Take Our Dong and Give Us Your Wiener

The day started cold and raining. We drank coffee and packed the final items into our backpacks, relieved to had rid ourselves of the souvenirs, and a few items of summer clothing, we had been carrying. The packs were, however, heavier than they had been due to the extra items we had purchased in preparation for the cold weather in China. We met Nam in the lobby at 7:50 AM. Last night we went through the same discussion we had had before our Ha Long Bay trip:

G- What time will the bus pick us up?

Nam - Be here for breakfast at 7:00 AM.

G- What time will the bus come?

Nam - Breakfast at 7:00 AM.

G- Nam! We don't want to eat breakfast!! What time will the bus come?

Nam - I have taxi pick you up at 8:00 AM.

G- Ok. We will be here, waiting for the taxi, before 8:00 AM.

Nam - Ok.

The taxi was not yet outside the door.

P- Good morning, Nam.

Nam - Good morning. You ready for taxi?

G- We're ready. We must leave today because our visas expire today.

Nam - I call taxi.

We stood, wearing our packs, watching the rain fall. At 8:00 AM Nam called again and went outside, pacing in front of the hotel.

P- Why wasn't this arranged ahead of time? He should've called last night and arranged for the taxi to be here this morning.

G- I don't know. Maybe that's not allowed.

P- Why wouldn't it be?

G- I don't know. Could be some crazy rule.

P- What if we miss our bus?

G- We won't miss our bus.

P- (sticking her head out of the door) Nam, how far is the bus station?

Nam - It not far.

P- We can't miss our bus. We have to leave Vietnam today.

G- Gladys! Come in here and sit down! Stop stressing the poor boy.

P- He's stressing me. We can't miss our bus.

G - Gladys, we won't miss the bus. I'm sure Nam will get us on the bus even if he has to have the taxi chase the bus down on the freeway and make it stop so we can get on, he will make sure we get on the bus. Calm down.

P- This chaos stresses me out!! You know I don't even like being on buses. Weren't we told we have to go through mountains to get to China? It's raining and what if there is a mudslide?

G- They're little mountains. We going on a main highway. There won't be a mudslide. Look, the taxi is here.

Nam - (poking his head inside) Come! Taxi here.

We crammed one backpack into the tiny trunk and put the other one between us on the back seat. Nam jumped into the passenger seat and gave the driver instructions in Vietnamese. Soon we were driving, in what seemed like circles, through the streets of the Old Quarter, until we emerged onto a larger street and stopped. It became clear that Nam did not know exactly where to find the bus. He got out and talked to someone standing in front of a building. It was 8:25 AM. The rain poured down. Gladys continued to mumble about the dangers of being on the bus in this bad weather and about missing the bus entirely. I'm not sure which was her greatest concern.

Nam got back into the car and pointed behind us, across the street. The taxi driver made a u-turn, across 4 lanes, and drove against traffic before pulling into a parking space next to the bus. I closed my eyes. Gladys gripped my thigh in an apparent attempt to locate my femur, and mumbled a string of curses. I was just thankful that the bus was still there. Our backpacks secured in the luggage compartment, we climbed on board and selected seats in front of a European looking couple. People continued to arrive and get on board. I assumed that they were waiting for all of the passengers before they would leave. Ultimately, we left at 8:50 AM.

We sat bundled in our coats and scarves because the bus was freezing. I caught the eye of the shivering Vietnamese man sitting across from us and made some body and hand gestures to him.

P- What are you doing?

G- I'm gesturing to that guy asking him to ask the bus driver to turn on the heat.

P- You look like you're doing a hand puppet without the puppet.

G- That's my talk to them gesture.

P- And what was the first thing?

G- That was my 'I'm freezing' gesture.

He nodded and yelled something to the front of the bus. The bus matron yelled something back and he looked at me and shrugged.

P- It doesn't look like we're going to get heat.

G- Apparently not.



The rain did not relent, but the countryside steadily became more mountainous, and rice fields were tucked in little valleys. After driving for a few hours, we stopped at a very clean restaurant/rest stop. The bus matron made an announcement, in Vietnamese; presumably about how long we'd stay at this location.

P- You hungry yet?

G- Not really. I wonder if we'll be here long enough to eat.

P- Let's go to the bathroom and see what the other people do.

G- Wow! Really nice bathroom! Well, it appears that they're all eating noodle soup.

I'm not eating noodle soup at 10:30 AM.

P- Neither am I, but I would like to buy this little bag of biscuits for later.

Back on the bus we drove for several more hours before stopping at a building where we picked up a few more passengers. A woman got off the bus.

G- I wonder where she's going.

P- Maybe to the bathroom.

G- Do you have to go?

P- Not really. Do you?

G- Not enough to go in there.

P- That concrete building without a roof! That's the bathroom.

G- That appears to be the case. She getting rained on whi...... Oh my gawd!!

P- What?

The lady in front of us looked out of the window and began laughing. She said something, in Vietnamese, to the woman in front of her and they both laughed. I grabbed my camera.

G- Damn rain! I can't get a good picture through this water streaked window.

P- I cannot believe that woman did not face the other way.

G- How can she not know that her ass is hanging out of the doorway?

P- Maybe she just doesn't care.

G- How can she be over the hole?

P- Who in the hell knows. Maybe she's not.

She yanked up her pants and ran back to the bus as we all tried to stop laughing. A few minutes later we were on the road again.

G- Geez! Does this music have to be so loud?!? I'm trying to write and I can't even hear myself think.

P- It wasn't so bad, but that last song must have been the bus driver's favorite because the minute it came on, he turned it up so loud. At least he hasn't been honking as much as other bus drivers.

G- Do you have the ear plugs?
P- I think you put them in your backpack. Lift it off the floor and I'll get them out.

G- Well, they don't completely block out the noise, but it's better.

P- What?

G- Nevermind.

Around 1:30 the bus pulled into a large parking lot and stopped.

G- I hope we're stopping for lunch.

P- Me too. I'm hungry now.

G- Now I'm thinking it's not lunch. Maybe we're at the border.

P- The border with China?

G- Yes, I think so. Look at the little golf cart type things. I guess they're going to drive us up the hill. They're pulling the luggage out and stacking them on the carts.

P- Should we take all of our stuff off the bus?

G- We should definitely take our daypacks. I'm not leaving anything.

P- You think the bus is going to drive around and meet us on the other side? That's what happened when we crossed from Singapore to Malaysia.

G- I don't know. Why does it matter?

P- Because I think I'm going to leave the biscuits, my water, and my book in the seat pocket. You think that would be ok?

G- I don't know. I guess so. Do whatever you want.

The rain continued to fall as we were driven up to the Vietnamese border building where we turned over our passports to be inspected. Even though there were 3 windows, each with a guard, no lines were formed; instead they charged the windows in a pack and handed their passports over one another as though there was a limited supply of exit stamps. The guards took our exit papers and stamped our visas with the exit stamps. We then exited that building and walked down the path and up the stairs in the no-man's-land between Vietnam and China. Once inside the Chinese border building we completed our entry papers and stood in line to have our passports inspected and stamped.

P- I've never been nervous before, but for some reason I'm nervous about this border crossing.

G- I am too, but I doubt we need to be. It's probably just all of the anti China propaganda we've heard our whole lives.

P- I hope they don't take our Lonely Planet guide.

G- I read that sometime they do, but I hope not.

A cute, young guard (Chinese Opie Taylor) inspected our passports. As his supervisor looked on, he maintained a very professional, serious, and quasi-threatening look on his lil baby face, and although I tried to return his seriousness, I couldn't help myself and I smiled at him. With a curt 'thank you' he returned my passport and I went to find Phyllis.

G- What do we do now?

P- Well, when I walked up those three guys just kept looking at their computer screen so I went up to them and made hand motions indicating 'what now' and they pointed to my backpack and then to that scanning machine.

G- Oh, so I should put my stuff through the scanning machine?

P- Yeah, I guess so. That's what I did but I'm not sure why because no one even looked at the screen as my bags were scanned.

G- I'm not sure why we were worried about this border crossing.

Our golf cart thing was waiting outside the building and we loaded our luggage on and jumped aboard. We rode up the hill, stopping at the guard's shack to have our passports inspected again, to a parking lot where a NEW bus awaited us.

P- Shit! It's a different bus.

G- Ugh! Yes it is. Damn! I guess we should have known that this would happen.

P- Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I left my book with my special bookmark from my PeePaw's funeral in it. The cookies too.

G- I'm sorry muffin. I should have told you not to leave anything but I thought we'd get back onto the same bus.

P- It's not your fault. I should have known better. Dammit! I'm very upset about my PeePaw bookmark, and I was only half way through my book.

G- I know it's not my fault, but I'm usually the one who thinks of, and prepares for, all the things that could possibly happen. I shouldn't have let you leave your stuff on that bus.

P- Argh!!!!!

Phyl beat herself up for a while and was clearly upset. By this time we were getting hungry, so we ate most of the small bag of pretzels that we had with us and shared a bottle of water. The weather was horrible and it was difficult to see out of the fogged up windows, but we could tell that the landscape was beautiful.

G- This reminds me of Ha Long Bay, but on land and surrounded by farm fields.

P- It's very pretty. I wish the weather was better.

G- Every little town we pass looks fairly new, at least the building construction looks new.

P- They're painted in pretty colors.

G- I know. I'm surprised by that. I guess if you live in that town and don't like that color you're up shit creek since every building and home in the town is painted the same color, but at least they are a color and not just gray concrete like the apartment complexes in Russia.

After riding for about 30 minutes we stopped at another military check point. Instead of dress uniforms, these lil boy soldiers were wearing blue fatigues and carrying very large, black guns. One spoke to the bus driver outside of the bus while the other one walked down the aisle checking everyone passport. He paid little attention to us, but targeted 2 Chinese people and went through their bags.

P- (whispering to G) I wonder why he's inspecting their bags.

G- Shhhhhhh! I don't know. Maybe just to make sure their not bringing back contraband.

P- What would be considered contraband other than the obvious?

G- How in the hell would I know, Gladys?

P- You'd think he'd be more interested in searching our bags.

G- I guess we just look like tourists. I am surprised that they all seem totally unconcerned with us. I had thought that as Americans we'd be inspected more closely.

P- Me too, but I'm glad we're not.

The soldiers disembarked and we drove for another hour before stopping at a rest stop. We used the bathroom, then went into the attached store. It was about 3:30 pm.

P- I am starving!!! What smells good?

G- I think you're smelling those red wieners turning on that rotisserie machine. That seems to be the only thing to eat.

P- I never thought I'd want a wiener as badly as I do now. Do we have money?

G - We don't have any Yuan, but we still have a lot of Dong.

P- We're close to the boarder, don't you think they'll take the Dong? Go ask.

G- Why do I have to ask? How am I going to ask? When I came in I asked her if wieners were the only cooked food they had and she looked at me like I was crazy. I don't believe she speaks English.

P- Well do some charades to get her to understand. You're good at that.

G- Sigh.

I pulled out my wallet and some Dongs and pointed at them, then pointed to the wieners. The salesgirl shook her head NO.

P- No wiener for you!

G- We can't buy anything because we don't have any money.

P- In every other country the border towns would take the other country's money.

G- Well, China doesn't do that. Whah! I'm hungry! I want a wiener!

P- I never thought I'd hear you say that, but I want a wiener too. Whah!

G- Oh well, let's get back on the bus. I think I have 3 oreos and a few pretzels left.

Walking down the aisle of the bus, we spotted several people with the wieners on a stick.

Red dye and pig pieces parts had never before appealed to us as they did just then. The whole bus smelled of them and our stomachs growled. Phyl again bemoaned leaving her book, PeePaw bookmark, and now most importantly, a bag of biscuits, on the old bus. The rain continued to beat against the windows, but we were delighted to find that the Chinese do not speed along honking their horns every 2 minutes. This might have been our hungriest bus ride, but it was our quietest.

China, Here We Come

The children were quiet this morning because they were unable to play in the school yard below our window as it had been raining since last night and showed no sign of stopping. We were toasty snuggled under our big comforter, but the bathroom was cold due to the fact that the exhaust fan opened to the outside without any kind of a cover. I could see the trees and the chilly wind could find me. Last night we had gotten a space heater from the hotel owner which had warmed the bathroom while we showered, but we certainly didn't leave it on all night long.


G- This is the perfect day to stay in. I'll write blogs and you can research China in the Lonely Plant and on the hotel computer. Read Genelle's & Ray's blog and Hannah's & Mike's for tips.

P- We do need to take the rest of the souvenirs to the post office and buy those Columbia socks we saw yesterday, but I'll go run those errands and pick us up some lunch while you blog.

G- Sounds like a good plan. I don't want to have to leave this room.  You know, G & Ray are in Japan right now snow skiing.  I wonder if they're planning to get the hell out of there.

P- Send her a message and ask her.

G- I will.  She put up a post that said they were pretty far from the devastation, but no place on that island is far enough away if one, or more, of those nuclear reactors blows up.

At some point during the afternoon we went to the lobby to confirm that our bus reservations had been arranged, paid our hotel bill, and drank some hot tea.

P- Hannah & Mike wrote, in their blog, that China was the most difficult country they visited. Hannah was really annoyed by the staring. Ray & Genelle didn't have any problems.

G- Ray & Genelle love every place. If the staring is too excessive, I think we should just stare back. That usually freaks people out and forces them to stop staring. I do wish it was possible for us to snap our fingers, like Bewitched, & spend a few weeks at home, before we go to China.

P- Well, that's not possible.

G- I know. I just said I wish it were possible. I'd like to be able to stay home and go nowhere for a solid week, or two.

P- When we get to China we can stay in one spot for a week.

G- It's not the same. We always have to leave to search for food. I miss texting with Connor.

P- What have they been saying on TV about Japan? Maybe, after China, we can go to Japan to volunteer.

G- It's so terrible! My heart just breaks for those poor people. It makes me think of Katrina. When your whole city is wiped out, you have no one to turn to for physical or emotional help because all of your family and friends are in the same shape.

P- The death toll is so much higher in Japan and the cities are just gone. It's terrible.



pedi at the grave stone marker store

 G- I'll tell you one thing, I much prefer reporting from News Channel Asia Singapore instead of the crap we get in America. They're just reporting the facts without trying to inflame people's emotions, they're encouraging calm and not creating extra, unnecessary, anxiety, and most importantly, no politicians, talking heads, or know-it-alls who really know nothing have been invited to give their worthless opinions about the crisis or the government's handling of it. It's so refreshing!

P- I agree. Even the Japanese people they interview talk of being calm and patient. The reporters aren't going in search of the dumbest, most hysterical, people to interview.

G- I wish we could get news in America like this.

P- Yeah, well, you'll never see that again.

Around 6:00 pm Phyl went to the tailor and picked up her pants which fit her perfectly. Then we went around the corner to a Spanish restaurant where we ate the most delicious food. We had no idea what we'd be able to find in China and we were fortifying ourselves with every type of non Asian foods we could find. Before bed we packed up our stuff so we'd be ready to catch the bus to China at 8:00 AM. We had read that there was a risk that our Lonely Planet travel guide might be confiscated at the border, so we buried it at the bottom of one of our backpacks.



Momma says to wear clean drawers when
you're crossing international borders

 G- Do you think we should have bought something to eat for tomorrow?

P- I don't think so. All the other buses we've been on have stopped somewhere and we always end up buying something there because it's hot.

G- You're right, and we do have pretzels and a couple of cookies just in case we get into a bind. I think we're ready for China!

P- Is China ready for us?




G- We'll soon see. Good night, Gladys.

P- Good night, Agnes.

I'm Not Going to Eat You!



Having a new key made

 G- Good morning, Gladys. Are you enjoying the singing children?

P- I like it, but I'd prefer if they would wait until 9:00 AM to start their singing.

G- Hmmmm. It's already 7:30 AM. I consider that Asian-late.

P- Since we're up this early, we might as well go eat breakfast.

While we ate breakfast, we spoke to the owner who advised us that a bad storm was about to hit Ha Long Bay and the government has forbidden all overnight stays on the bay. In fact, the people who had boarded the boats yesterday we're only allowed to cruise during the day and could not spend the night. He congratulated us on our great timing. We considered ourselves very fortunate to have been able to stay overnight on the boat.

After breakfast we began our search for a sweatshirt and pair of long pants for Phyllis.
Our hotel was located in, and we went shopping in, Hanoi's Old Quarter which dates back almost 2,000 years. The streets are named for the guilds or goods sold along the streets. The first word of many street names is Hung, which means merchandise or shop, and the second word indicates the items sold along the street. Bac means silver which was sold on Hung Bac Street. On Hang Be one could buy bamboo rafts or silk on Hung Dao.

Things have changed and one cannot necessarily purchase items of the street's namesake, but similar items are still sold in shops clustered along the same street. We passed different streets where shops sold zippers/items for sewing, bedding, glass & metal boxes, noodles, toys, and dumplings. If you knew which street contained which goods, shopping was easy. After walking through the wren of narrow, motorcycle filled streets, we finally found blue jean street and started looking through the sizes.

G- Hmmm. The average size seems to be 28 or 29. I have yet to see anything over 34.

P - Well since you don't even fit into that average size, you know my ass isn't getting into them.

G- Excuse me, do you have bigger size?

Girl - For you?

G- No, for her.

Girl - (leans around me and looks at Phyllis with very rude eyes) Oh, No! (then she started talking, in Vietnamese, and laughing with the other sales girl)

G- Well that's rude. Do you know what that word means?

P - (to me as we walked away) Kiss my fat ass, bitch!

For most of the morning we scoured the shops looking for pants. Some people tried to help and were polite, some simply ignored us and others looked at us as though we were insane when we asked if they had jeans to fit Phyllis.

P- I'm over this! I hate to shop to begin with and it's even more depressing in this land of pencil people.

G- We have to find you a pair of warm long pants. Let's look in the shops until we get to the end of the street, then we'll go get some lunch. I'm getting hungry.

P- And I'm tired of walking in this drizzle.

We walked into the next shop along the row and looked through the jeans hanging along the wall.

Sales girl - Hello.

G & P - Hello.

P- Do you have any jeans in a size that would fit me?

Sales girl - (eyes widening like a deer caught in headlights) For you? (she began to back up) Oh NO! We don't have size to fit you. (she looked terrified and continued to back away from us) No! No! Only small size.

G- Ok.

P- You don't have to run away, I'm not going to try to eat you! (to me) That's it! I've had enough of this.

G - Alright muffin. I'm sorry. You should have lunged at that last one just to scare her more. I wonder if she would have shrieked and run away.

P- I'd like to throw hamburgers to them so they can eat something that'll put a little meat on their bones.

G- They're so thin because their diets are so minimal and so much healthier than ours. It's virtually fat free.

P- I know that! Let's go eat at KFC. I'm sick of rice and I need to stay beefed up, because I'm going to sit on, and crush to death, the next skinny Asian person who looks at me like I'm trying to buy pants for a buffalo!

We sat on the third floor of a building, in the middle of a traffic circle, along Hoan Kiem Lake. The weather had been cool, cloudy and rainy since we returned from Ha Long Bay and there was no indication that it would change before we left Vietnam. We were told that this was the common weather for this time of year and had been lucky that it wasn't raining before we left for Ha Long Bay. We sat eating our chicken sandwiches and savoring our cokes with ice.

G- Look at that sign! It's an advertisement for chicken wings. Look at the city.

P- It says New Orleans! Wow!

G- I wonder if it says something about Cajun spicy wings. (it actually said: delicious new life)

P- It's odd that New Orleans is used in an advertisement because when we tell people we're from New Orleans, no one has ever heard of it.

G- I know. They know New York and Washington D.C. That's why I've started telling them we're from California. That, they've heard of.

After lunch we walked briefly along the lake, purchased a Lonely Planet China guide book from a boy schlepping a box of books, then headed back in to the Old Quarter. We found a shop that sold leather gloves and belts where we each selected a pair of gloves and I a belt. My pair of long pants was far too lose. Unfortunately, we were unable to reach an agreeable price, so we left the items with a pissed off sales lady and headed down the street. A few shops down we stopped at another shop where I selected a belt.

G- I like this one, but it's a little too big.

Sales lady - I fix.

G- It's too big. Let's go.

Sales lady - I fix. I fix.

P- She says she can fix it.

G- What does that mean, she can fix it? How is she going to make it smaller?

P- I don't know. What I do know is that the lady from the first shop is drilling holes through your back for looking at this lady's belts.

G- You can fix? (we agreed upon a price before I let her alter it)

Lady - Yes. I fix. (She looked at us as if we were idiots for not knowing that it could be customized for my waist.)

We stood in disbelief as she unscrewed the bolt securing the strip of flapped over leather that was holding the belt buckle. Then she removed the buckle, cut off the end of the leather, made a new hole, flapped the leather through the buckle, and screwed the bolt. Then she handed it to me with a smile. My mouth hung open.

G- That is amazing!

P- I'd like to see that happen anywhere in America.

The lady looked at us with mild amusement. She was probably thinking "these people are supposed to live in advanced countries and they act shocked that I can do something so simple as make a belt smaller". She was kind, and amused, enough to pose for a few photos with me, and I wore my new belt away. Around the corner we found a tailor.

P- I think I should just get a pair of pants made. I'm never going to find a pair to fit me.

G- Yes. Good idea.

We walked into a shop with beautiful silks along the wall and 3 ladies sitting in the back hand stitching little flowers on blouses. The detail in the work was exquisite. Within 15 minutes we had agreed upon a price of $30.00 for a pair of khaki, heavy cotton pants, ready for pick up the next night. It was a rush job, but we had to leave the country on the 17th. Phyl's precise measurements were taken and the sales lady did not run screaming. I left my pair of khaki pants with her to hem for $3.00.



P- I wish we had done this sooner. It would have saved us a lot of trouble.

G- I agree, but how could we have known we would not be able to find a pair of jeans to fit you.

P- We should have been able to figure that out by looking at these twig people.

G- I'm just glad that's done. Now we can't leave until the 17th. That sure is cutting it close.

P- How much did the hotel owner say it would cost for the bus to China?

G- I think he said $27.00 for the tourist bus which takes 6-7 hours to get to Nanning instead of the slightly cheaper local bus which takes 9-10 hours.

P- We're definitely paying extra for the nicer, faster bus.

G- I agree, but let's stop at another travel agency to confirm that that's a good price and that there is no train that we could take. I'd prefer a train.

The Old Quarter was like a beehive of activity. It was noisy, crowded, lively, and everything and everyone seemed in constant motion. We really enjoyed the vibe, but the rain seemed to have made the motorcycle drivers a little crazy, and several times we were almost run over. After one such near collision experience, we stood in front of a travel agency, waiting for the man to get off the phone, while live chickens pecked at our feet.

G- What in the hell are these chickens doing in the middle of this busy city?

P- Why have they not been run over by a motorcycle or car?

We weren't the only ones surprised by the sight of chickens in the Old Quarter and several passing tourists stopped to take photos. A brief discussion with the travel agent revealed that our hotel owner was 100% correct about our transportation options to China, so we returned to the New Century and booked a bus trip from Hanoi to Nanning, China on February 17, 2011, the day our Vietnamese visas expired.

The early evening was spent watching rush hour motorcycle traffic from the balcony of our favorite little bar where we drank draught Halida beer. Taking advantage of the 'ethnic' foods in the Old Quarter, we ate a yummy dinner at an Indian restaurant and returned to our room to watch News Channel Asia's reporting of the Japan earthquake, tsunami, and possible nuclear explosion. We had been watching things closely because we had to decide if we would enter China and head west or east to Shanghai. We were completely safe in Hanoi, but Shanghai was much closer to Japan and we didn't want to go there if the Japanese nuclear plant exploded. It simply was not necessary to run the risk of radioactive material raining down on our heads while we explored Shanghai.

Healing Herbs

The boat motor cranked to life at 6:00 AM. Breakfast, which we skipped, was served at 7:30 AM. We were, however, out of our room, with our luggage, by 8:30 AM so the crew could ready the boat for the next passengers. Morning fog greeted us but quickly burned off enough for us to see the karsts. Before we sailed, our tour guide and 2 of the kids jumped from the top deck into the bay. Of course they screamed due to the cold water, but it wasn't cold enough to prevent them from doing it again. We, along with the rest of the passengers, took photos, participated in the countdown, and yelled words of encouragement.


A feeling of tranquility enveloped our souls as we slid through the beautiful green water past the limestone monoliths. Eamonn, Phyl & I discussed the forces that shaped this area and the continuing erosion caused by the bay on the bases of each karst.

Eamonn - I feel so fortunate to be able to see this beautiful place.

P- This is why we travel. I prefer the natural things to the man made things.

G- I am constantly amazed by the beauty of Mother Earth, and the diversity is astounding.

P- Plus, I'm happy whenever I'm on the water.

Eamonn - I'm a sailor. I own a sailboat in Ireland and we sail almost every weekend. I'm happiest when I'm on the sea.

P- Sailing in Ireland may be a little too cold for my taste, but it sounds wonderful.

G- Isn't it usually cold and rainy in Ireland?

Eamonn - Well, you get use to it.

The tour guide pulled out a 200,000 Dong note, showed us the karst image on the back, and pointed ahead to the Kissing Rock Karst. This monolith stands on 4 small pillars, it's ultimate collapse inevitable. We sailed through the karsts for 2-3 hours on our return to port. At times we spoke of the surrounding beauty, pointing out different views and taking photos of one another. Other times we stood, lost in our own thoughts, trying to emblazon just a few of Ha Long Bay's 3,000 karsts upon our memories, lest we forget this gorgeous site. The memories, or the photos, in your head may not stay crisp, but the feeling is never forgotten.

It was lunchtime when we reached the dock, so we were lead to a large restaurant across the street. This is apparently where every tourist, ending a trip on Ha Long Bay, is fed before the return bus ride.

G- OMG! Look at that large glass container filled with dead animals.

P- It's some kind of alcohol.

Eamonn - You want a drink?

G & P - NO!

G- I know about the tequila with the worm and Asian alcohols with snakes and scorpions in them, but that thing has dead birds in it.

P- I know it's not good to mix your alcohols, but I guess it's ok to mix your dead animals in alcohol.

G- I think each liquor should only be allowed to contain 1 species of dead animal. Eamonn, you're Irish, you try it!

Eamonn - We may be known to drink a lot, but we don't drink things like that.

P- Can't you catch a disease from a dead pigeon?

G- Blech! The whole thing is disgusting!!

This kind of shock and horror must be experienced by a vast majority of the patrons because the wait staff was completely unfazed by our exclamations of disgust. After a time we all sat back down and lunch was served. Fortunately, the lunch consisted primarily of vegetables. Our bus was delayed due to a flat tire, so we sat on the front steps of the restaurant and waited for 30 minutes. The French couple was especially nervous about the delay because they had a flight to catch in Hanoi at 4:30 PM.

G- Phyl, what did you do to your arm?

P- Where?

G- There.  It's bleeding.  What did you cut it on?

Eamonn - Look, the clasp of the pin on her backback is open.

P- Awwwww!  My fleur de lis clasp is broken.

G- We'll get you another one.  Put something on that bleeding arm before it drips on your pants!

I fished a tissue out of my bag as our cute tour guide came over to see what the fuss was about.

Guide - I can make a medicine from a plant. 

P- What kind of plant?

Guide - Let me find it.

He returned with the stalk of a green plant which he promptly pulled the leaves off of and stuck into his mouth.  After chewing it for a while, he spit it into his hand, took Phyls arm and pressed the chewed up green mulch onto her wound.  Eamonn, the French couple, Phyl and I stood shocked, looking at each other in various states of disbelief.

Guide - Hold this on the cut for a few minutes and it will be much better.

P- Ok.

He walked off.  We all started laughing.

P- I cannot believe that he just chewed up a plant then put it and his spit on my arm.

G- I know he was just trying to be nice and helpful, but..........

French lady - It is so unusual.  So many of the things they do are so unusual.

P- I wasn't sure what to do.  It happened so fast.

Eamonn - It adds to the experience of your adventure.

G- Ok, now drop that spit soaked mulch onto the ground and clean your arm with this Purell.

P- It'll burn.

G- Tough shit, Gladys, you need to kill any possible germs you may have just gotten.

P- Alright!

Eamonn - I wish I had a video of the incident and everyone's face.

G- Me too.

Finally our bus arrived and we were soon barreling down the road toward Hanoi. Phyl & I were so enjoying talking to Eamonn that we sat in the last seat which accommodated 3 people. The road, as usual, was in poor condition and at times we literally flew up out of our seats. Eamonn shared some old Celtic music from his ipod, and we talked about our families, Ireland, America, and the state of the world. It was nice to discuss these things with someone our own age. While we enjoy the late teens and 20 somethings we meet, they have fewer life experiences.  Eamonn continuously commented on the wild ride and the crazy way they drive in Asia.  We agreed, but had ceased to be fazed by it.

As we neared Hanoi and the location of the previous day's bread sellers, the bus suddenly pulled over on the side of the freeway and stopped behind a black sedan.

P- What's going on?

G- The French couple is getting off.

P- What? Why?

Eamonn - Oh, that's right, they have to catch a flight.

G- I love it, but it is unbelievable that the tour guide called the person bringing them to the airport and instructed him to meet us on the freeway instead of the hotel.

P- That would never happen at home.

G- It is expedient.

Eamonn - They sure do get the job done.

The French people's bags were taken off the bus and placed in the sedan's trunk and they were soon headed down the freeway to the airport. Our tour guide acted as though this was not an unusual matter and soon we were winding our way through the crowded streets of Hanoi dropping off passengers at their various hotels. Upon our return to New Century Hotel, we were happy to discover that our same room was waiting for us. We dropped our bags and headed down the street to our favorite bar for a cold, draft Halida.

Channeling Roseanne Roseannadanna

We awoke at 6:00 AM, drank a small cup of coffee, packed a bag, repacked our backpacks and souvenirs, and arrived in the lobby by 7:20 AM. Vera & Maddie were eating breakfast and although they were also leaving for Ha Long Bay, they were taking a different cruise, so we said goodbye, hoping that we would see them again upon our return to Hanoi and the New Century Hotel.


As we stood on the curb, in front of the hotel waiting for our bus, Nam stood with us assuring us that it would arrive shortly.

P- Nam, what's going on over there? It looks like a wedding.

Nam - Yes, they get married.

G- They are getting married at 7:30 in the morning?!?!?

Nam - Yes.

P- What time did she have to get up to get her hair and make up done and get into a wedding dress to be picked up at 7:30?

Nam - (Confused look because he has no idea why we're freaking out.)

P- The wedding will happen this morning?

Nam - Yes. Very soon.

P- Will there be a reception?

Nam - I don't know that word.

P- Will there be a party after the wedding with friends and family members?

Nam - Oh, yes. They will eat and have party.

G- They'll have a party at, what, 9:00 o'clock in the morning?

Nam - Yes.

G- Oh my gawd! Kill me.

Our bus arrived and we got on, but our conversation about the wedding continued.

P- They're all up at 5:30 - 6:00 AM anyway, might as well have the wedding this early.

G- How much fun can a reception at 9:00 AM be?

P- Well they don't really drink.

G- Hell, food and alcohol are the only reasons guests are willing to go to a wedding. What's the enticement when it takes place between 8:00 - 9:00 AM and there are no drinks?

P- Your people would be late, and grouchy, for every wedding.

G- We wouldn't be late. We wouldn't go at all. Get up and be at a wedding this early on a Saturday morning? No way in hell!! I would never have gotten married if it had to take place early on Saturday morning.

P - Maybe that would've been a good thing.

G- Hmmm. Maybe you're on to something. The divorce rate would plummet if less people got married.

We drove around the Old Quarter picking up passengers. As they climbed onto the bus, we tried to pick out the fun people. A group of Asian kids got aboard; we tried, but could not identify their countries of origin. Two couples who appeared to be Canadian or Australian got on, then 3 women, who looked like they could have fun potential, were picked up.

P- They look like they could be fun.

G- Yes, but I think they're speaking French.

P- If they're traveling in Asia they must speak some English.

G- Yes, but don't you agree that the French we meet tend to speak just enough English to get by?

P- That's true. We'll find someone to party with us, or we'll just party by ourselves.

G- Agreed.

After everyone had been picked up, the tour guide stood in the aisle, slightly in front of our seat, and gave us some information.

G- Why are you leaning on me?

P- Do you see that big booger in that dudes nose?

G- Yes, I saw it.

P- Well I'm worried that if he breathes just a little too hard it'll fly out and hit me. Also, his breath smells like ass!

G- That seems like a distinct possibility. Every time he looked at me I'd rub my hand across the bottom of my nose trying to send him a subliminal message to do the same, but so far, it hasn't worked.

P- Stop that! Are you crazy? If he wipes his nose with his hand, the booger might fall on me.

G- It's grossing me out.

P- Yeah, but it's like a train wreck; you can't stop yourself from looking at it.

G- I just keep thinking of Gilda Radner doing Roseanne Roseannadanna, "there was the biggest, grossest booger on the end of his nose".

Just then the man behind us sneezed this very powerful sneeze. I think it surprise him and he couldn't cover his mouth fast enough because the spit from the sneeze rained down on us like we were standing under the spray of a waterfall.

P- What the hell is going on?

G- This is what happens when people leave their homes so early in the morning before they've had a chance to rid themselves of all of their bodily expulsions. This is why everyone should stay in their own home, or hotel room, until at least 10:00 AM.

P- Shut up, freak. I just hope he doesn't have a cold.

G- I hope he's not on our boat. I'd like a sneeze free zone on my boat.

As we drove through Hanoi, the streets were full of cars covered in bows and flowers. The tour guide confirmed that all of the cars contained brides and grooms and said that Saturday morning was the time most people got married. The 2 Canadian couples sitting behind us commented on the early hour and how different weddings were in Canada. We agreed that things were also different in America. Just then a black Toyota sedan, covered in bows, pulled up next to us.

G- Look at that wedding car. It is filthy.

Canadian lady behind me - I was looking at that too.

P- You'd think he could clean his car for his wedding day.

G- If he came to pick me up in that filthy car, the wedding would be called off. That is a very bad sign of things to come.

Canadian lady - (laughing) You are very correct.

G- I wouldn't be seen dead in a car that filthy on any random day, much less my wedding day.

P- And you know he's going to drop his wet towel on the bathroom floor, leave his dirty drawers & socks around, and dirty dishes in the sink.

G- That bride is destined to be a maid.  She needs to rethink marrying that pig.

For several miles after entering the freeway, the emergency lane was lined with people selling bread of all shapes and sizes. We watched as motorcycles and cars pulled over into the emergency lane, purchased bread, then merged back onto the highway. The tour guide seemed not to notice, while we sat nonplused. Why would people stand on the freeway and sell bread? Who needed to buy bread so urgently that they would stop on the freeway? Why was this allowed? Was the bread fresh? How did the bread sellers get there with their large bags of bread?

We crossed a large river and the city fell away behind us and the landscape turned to rice fields. After a while we exited the freeway and onto a 2 lane road through small towns where the road was lined with homes and businesses. Riding through the countryside is one of our favorite things to do because of the things we see. In addition to the bread vendors, we passed trucks full of pigs making deliveries to houses, motorcycles carrying chickens in baskets strapped to the seat, and numerous tents, of bright colored fabrics and bows, set up in front of homes where wedding receptions were underway.

Halfway through the journey, we stopped at a rest stop, built specifically for tourists, containing a snack bar and a myriad of overpriced souvenirs. Fortunately, we did not stay there long. When we arrived at Ha Long Bay we were separated into 2 groups and our group was lead to a tender that would take us to our boat. To get to the tender, we walked down about 20 concrete steps and onto the front platform of the tender. It was a fairly easy task for the surefooted, but we wondered what a person with difficulty ambulating would do in order to get onto their boat.

Once on the boat, we were seated in the main cabin for tea, given our room keys, and instructed to return for lunch in half an hour. We were thrilled to find that our room matched the photos in the brochure. looks like they're already married.

Buoyant Junk

We were sound asleep in the comfort of the fluffy pillows and comforter, in the king size bed, when the shrill of children's' voices pierced the silence. It was 7:30 AM.


G- Please don't tell me that we are next to a school.

P- It sounds like we are.

G- So much for being in a room away from the street noise.

P- We're in Asia. There is noise all around.

Staying in bed, we dozed and listened to the chatter. Of course, we could not understand what was being said, and somehow that made it slightly less annoying.

P- Listen! They're singing.

G- Sounds like nursery rhymes.

P- I wonder what they're saying. It reminds me of that convent in Venice when we awoke to Italian children singing in that hall under our room.

G- Yes, you're right. Ironic that we frequently stay in lodging next to, or above, schools.

P- Kids are stalking us.

G- We might as well get up and start the search for a pair of pants for you.

P- UGH! I am never going to find pants to fit me in the country of pencil people.

G- We also have to book the Ha Long Bay tour.

The New Century Hotel was such a fortunate find. Rather, we were so lucky that the owner found us. Breakfast was included in our daily rate and afforded us the choice of eggs & toast, pancakes, or noodles. Best of all, the coffee was good. After breakfast, we sat down with the hotel owner and discussed tours.

Owner- These are the tours that I recommend.

G- Have you personally seen the boats and know of the safety records of these operators?

P- We don't want to miss Ha Long Bay, but we're nervous since that boat sank. Drowning on Ha Long Bay is not on my list of things to do.

Owner - That was an old boat and it was a very cheap tour.

G- I'd rather pay more for the non-sinking boat. I can't even imagine the terror those poor people felt trapped in their rooms as that boat sank.

P- The man who escaped said it sank in less than a minute. He also said that the boat had been listing.

Owner - These are safe Junks.

G- Maybe I'd feel safer if they weren't called Junks.

P- Yes! In America I'd never want to cruise on Junks.

Owner - (looks at us quizzically)

G- I like the looks of this boat and the tour looks like a good price. What's the difference between the standard and deluxe rooms?

Owner - The deluxe rooms are larger, there are only 2 of them, and they're on the main deck of the boat. The standard rooms are below.

P- If deluxe is not too much more, I want the deluxe. I want to be on the main deck in case the boat starts sinking.

G- It looks like the room has its own balcony.  If necessary, we could fling open the balcony door and jump off.

P- I'd prefer not to have to jump off the boat at any time during our cruise.

Owner - Yes, it has a balcony. The difference is about $30. USD. I talk to all of my customers about their experience and everyone is pleased with this tour. The only complaint is that the same foods are served each day, so when you take a 2 night tour, you'll be eating the same thing for 2 days in a row.

G- I'll eat the same food for a week as long as my boat does not sink.

P- What about life jackets?

Owner - Of course you will have life jackets.

G- Why are you worried, you have your own floatation devices. I'm screwed!

P- I'll save you my baby.

Owner - This boat will not sink.

G- We're only joking. Now is probably the safest time to be on a Junk in Ha Long Bay. I'm sure all boats were inspected after that boat sank and all of those tourists were killed.

P- I'm not worried, but I still want to be on the main deck.

So it was that we selected the Dolphin Cruises and the Cuong Thinh Junk, paying $135.00 each for a 3 day, 2 night cruise. We spent the remainder of the day in search of pants for Phyllis, without success. After scouring the streets of the Old Town, and negotiating for 20 minutes, Phyl did manage to purchase a thick, long sleeve shirt. Upon our return to the hotel, we were greeted by Nam, an early 20 something guy who worked there.

G- Hi Nam! Tomorrow we are going to Ha Long Bay. What time will the bus pick us up?

Nam - You should be downstairs to eat your breakfast at 6:30.

G- What time will the bus arrive?

Nam - Yes, you eat breakfast in lobby at 6:30 and you have enough time.

P- But when will the bus pick us up?

Nam - After you eat breakfast, the bus come.

G- (about to swallow her tongue and fall onto the floor in a convulsion) Nam, we will not eat breakfast. I cannot put food into my body before 10:00 AM.

Nam- (Stares at Gina with a look of utter confusion.) No breakfast?

P- Forget about the breakfast, Nam. What time will the bus come to pick us up?

Nam - Um, bus come at 7:30 AM.

G- And the ride to Ha Long Bay will take about 3 hours?

Nam - Yes.

P- We'll be served lunch when we get on the boat?

Nam - Yes.

G- Thank you, Nam. We'll see you in the morning. We're going to leave our large backpacks here but we'll bring them down in the morning.

Nam - Ok. Put them with the others on that wall. I watch them.

When we got to our room..............

P- I think you showed great restraint to not grab Nam and choke him when he kept telling you what time to eat breakfast.

G- The idea of not eating breakfast is anathema to him.

P- Anyone who doesn't wake up and eat their noodle bowl by 7:00 AM is insane.

G- Blech! The thought of it makes me want to vomit. And to eat a big meal before getting on a bus for a 3 hour ride! Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

I have HIPS!!!!!

Exiting the train station we were beseiged by taxi drivers. We tried to select one with a larger car, but still only managed to get something smaller than the Flintstone mobile. We're not sure what the driver planned to do with our backpacks as he coaxed us to his car, but Gina managed to fit 2 in the hatchback and we held the rest on our laps. Fortunately we weren't going far and traffic was very light at 5:30 AM.


P- Wow! I've never seen the streets so free of cars.

G- Again we're seeing that there are Asian joggers.  They just jog at 5:30 AM and not in the evenings.

Maddie – Where is he taking us?

G- We gave him the address for a hotel in the Old Quarter. Many hotels are in that area so it should be no problem to find a place.

Vera – Do you have a reservation?

P- No. Do you?

Vera – No.

G- I'm sure we'll find a place.

When the taxi stopped, all of the hotels and businesses on the street were still closed up tight, with their steel, garage type doors, pulled down. It was still dark. Phyl knocked on the steel door which was quickly opened by a half asleep young man who advised that the hotel was full. After knocking on several doors, and waking several people, we realized we'd have to search a little harder than expected to find a place.

G- What the hell? If I was trying to sleep, all of these people would be up cooking cabbage & noodles for breakfast and acting like it was noon.

P- Why are they all asleep? Just our luck.

G- I'll stay here with the bags so we don't have to carry them around. You go find us a place to stay.

P- It doesn't seem safe for you to stand on this desserted, dark street.

G- I think it's fine.

Maddie – I'll stay here with Gina.

P- That's a good idea.

10 minutes passed and Maddie was beginning to get a little worried when a man passing on his motorcycle stopped and asked us if we were looking for a hotel. We were both very skeptical, but we looked at his brochure and the TripAdvisor reviews he pulled up on his phone and agreed to check out his hotel if Phyl & Vera hadn't found us a room. He waited with Maddie and me for another 10 minutes and we finally decided that Maddie would get on his bike and drive around to find Phyl & Vera while I waited with the backpacks. Luckily, they returned quickly and we all followed the guy a few blocks to his hotel (New Century Hotel) where we happily agreed to stay for $16.00 a night/breakfast included. He allowed us to check in at 6:30 AM, without additional charge, and fed us breakfast. We ate, showered, and went to sleep.

We awoke at noon, dressed, and headed off for lunch and to do a little shopping. We aren't shoppers, but we needed warm clothes for China, and it was much cooler in Hanoi than the rest of Vietnam. Vera & Maddie were in the lobby, so we set off together in search of food and shopping.

G- What's the address of the mall?

P- It's in the 900 block.

Vera – It should be near because this is 751.

Maddie – The address across the street says 450.

G- How can you have 400s and 700s in the same block?

Maddie – It is not like this in Norway.

P- It's not like this in America, each block is sequential based on 10,100, or 1000.

Maddie – Yes. That is how it's done in Norway too.

G- I wouldn't want to be a delivery person here.

We walked several more blocks until we arrived at a very upscale mall. Maddie tried on pants in a store similar to an Old Navy and I searched for cargo pants.

P- I am never going to find pants to fit me. Look at these pants! These people are sticks.

G- Hell, I'm not going to find pants to fit me. They don't have hips. They're like pencils. I'm going to look in the men's department.

Maddie – I might try these on. They're made of stretch material.

Vera – I think those would be cute on you.

In the men's department, the majority of the pants were in waist size 28 and 29 with very skinny legs. There were no cargo pants to be found. Phyl and I walked out into the mall and found a Jeep store.

G- Look! Cargo pants.

P- Perfect. Just what you wanted. Go get a pair.

G- Damn, they're $40.00. We're supposed to be able to find cheap clothes in Vietnam.

P- Apparently not pants to fit Americans. Get the kind you want because you're only going to have 2 pairs of pants to wear in China and I know you want the cargo pants with all the pockets.

Sales girl – Hello.

G- Hello. Do you have these in a size 34?

Sales girl – These for men.

G- Yes, I know. I have hips, so in Vietnam, I need men's pants. Do you have size 34?

Sales girl – For you size 29.

P- She wishes.

G- (to Phyl) Hey! You watch it. (to salesgirl) No way I'm getting into a 29. Do you have 34?

Salesgirl- Maybe 30.

G- No, 34. (raises eyebrow at Phyllis)

Salesgirl – No 34. Maybe have 32.

G- Ok, let me try the 32. Do you have 33?

Salesgirl – I look. You try 30.

I took the pants and headed to the dressing room.

G- (to Phyl under my breath) Here we go again. How did I manage to reach the age of 43 and not know what size pants I wear?

P- Just stupid, I guess.

G- Good thing I have Asian kids telling me how to eat and what size to wear. Am I going to have to put on these pants and show her that they don't fit on my ass to get her to bring me the size I want?

P- It seems like you will.

I put on the size 30 and showed the girl that they would not button.

G- HIPS!!!

She frowned and walked away. A few minutes later she returned with a size 32.

G- Did you look for a 34?

Salesgirl – Yes. No size 34. Have 33.

G- Please bring me the 33.

I put on the size 32 which fit, but were tighter than I like to wear pants. Again, I showed them to her.

G- Can I please have the size 33?



Gina & Maddie

 P- Asian women built like pencils. (holds up index finger) She needs room for her hips and butt.

Finally, she relented and gave me the size 33 which fit just the way I wanted.

G- (to clerk) See! I'll take these.  (to Phyl) I think her world is rocked.

P- You've freaked her out. She may never be the same.

G- For gawd sake! It's exhausting having to beg for the size I want. In America the salesclerks, if there are any at all, wouldn't give a damn if I bought a size 46 and cinched them up with a rope. Here I've got to incrementally prove the size does not fit me before she'll give me the bigger one.

P- Just laugh about it baby.

G- I am laughing. Just wait until we try to find pants for you.

P- Not going to happen.



Vera & Phyl



We rejoined Maddie & Vera for a little more shopping, then went to see a movie. We were delighted to learn that the theater sold regular popcorn, so Phyl & I each got our own trough and gorged ourselves on our favorite, delicious, salty snack. Near the hotel we stopped for a late dinner and drank cold, draft Halidas until the place closed at midnight.