Boom, Boom

Phyl has had white water rafting on her bucket list for many, many years. I, however, have been a little afraid ever since Phyl's mom told us of her experience. She was sitting in the front of the raft and flew all the way to the back. Based on a weight differential, I concluded that had I been in the same seat as her, I would have flown out of the raft. Drowning is very low on my list of things to do, thus my anxiety over white water rafting. We checked into doing it in Oregon, but drowning in below 50 degree water is even lower on my list of things to do. That being said, my girl wants to white water raft, coupled with my sense of adventure, and a rafting we will go.

Maday, owner of our homestay, hooked us up with his friend's rafting company (everyone is a travel agent in Bali) and worked out all of the specifics for us. We paid about $40.00 for transport to and from the river, the guided trip and lunch. An awesome deal by western standards. We were picked up at 9:00 am and taken, by van, about 30 minutes to the river. We arrived at the staging area, put on suntan lotion, stripped down to our bathing suits, put all of our belongings into a water proof bag, were fitted for life vests and helmets, and given our paddles.

(Nyoman) Guy who fitted us with life jackets- (Looks at Phyl's chest, selects a vest, & helps her put it on. As he's trying to clip it....................)

P- Um, Nyoman, it's not going to clip. We need a bigger one.

Nyoman – Yes. (giggles and selects another)

P- Nope. Not this one either, I will need to see over my boobs.

Nyoman – (more giggling) Must fit tight.

P- Nyoman, I know it must be snug, but I have to be able to breath. Find one that won't cut off my oxygen.

Nyoman – Selects a new one, puts it on and clips it. Ah ha! (waives hands in the air triumphantly) Then he grabs a helmet.

P- Way too big.

Nyoman – You have small head.

P- Yes, Nyoman. Big boobs, tiny hands and feet and small head. I'm a freak.

Nyoman (smiles and selects a helmet that fits)

Then he turns to me. Mind you, I have not said a word this whole time. He looks at my chest.........and selects a small vest.

G- Make sure mine is tight, Nyoman. If I fly out of this raft, I want to make sure my life vest goes with me.

Nyoman- Yes, yes. We find one that fit. (he clips mine and pulls the straps as tight as they will go.) Too big.

G- How about the child's size. That's the one I usually wear.

P- You used to wear a child's, but I don't know about now. Since you have gained a few pounds, you now have the arms and chest of a linebacker. At least that's what your mom seems to think. Give her the Dora the Explorer vest. That should work.

G- Shut the hell up Miss big tits and little head.

P- Hahahahahahah!

Nyoman – Yes. This one fit you.

G- Yes, this one is good. Make sure it's tight!



Young Wayan

 Nyoman – You have bigger head. Try this helmet.

P- In America we call it a fat head.

G- Keep it up, bitch and I'll take your picture and post it all over Facecrack! This one is fine. Shouldn't the chin strap be tighter?

After snapping a few, very attractive, photos.........................

Nyoman – You follow Wayan to river. He your guide.

P- (to me) I wonder how far we walk to get to the river.

G- I don't know, but I'm glad we wore our Keens and not our flip flops.

P- I'm hot as shit in this get up.

G- But you sure do look sexy.

P- Oh, I'm sure that's the case.

We walked about 100 yards, through rice fields and into a dense rainforest. We were drenched in sweat before we even reached the stairs. When I say stairs, I use the term VERY loosely. The stairs were basically hewn out of the mountain that we were about to climb down. They were made with rocks, stones, boulders and no 2 were the same size. One step may have been 8” and the next 18”, with the latter being the norm. In addition to our guide, Wayan, (about my age) we were accompanied by young Wayan (27 yrs old but he looked 16) who was training to be a rafting guide. Young Wayan started at the back of the line but quickly scampered around, frustrated over our slow pace. Several times we caught him laughing at us as we plodded down the “stairs”.

G- I sure wish I knew we were going on a hike before rafting. I wouldn't have taken off my shorts and I would've put on mosquito spray.


P- It's not going to matter if every malaria ridden mosquito in Bali bites me because I'm either gonna die from a heart attack or fall down these stairs to my death first.

G- Really baby, are you ok? I feel like I'm about to drop so I know you're dying. Wayan, let me get some water out of my bag.

Wayan – Yes. Drink water. No hurry. Go slow.

P- Slow! If I go any slower, we won't be moving at all. How many steps are there before we reach the river?

Wayan – 400 steps down.

P- 400!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding? How many steps have we gone down already?

Wayan – Maybe 80.

P- Oh my gawd!!!

G- (thinking.............oh, shit! We're in trouble! Sweat ran down my arm and dripped off my elbow.)

Phyl already has a bad knee, most of the steps were about 18” high, and needless to say, there was no railing, so every step had to be taken one at a time and very carefully. Even I was taking each step one at a time because they were so uneven & slippery.

G- Phyl, use your paddle like a cane to brace yourself as you take each step. How is your knee?

P- I'm sweating my ass off, but my knee is ok if I go slow. Wayan, how many more steps do we have?

Wayan – Maybe we half way.

P- Half way? Argh!!!! Sweet Jesus, I hope the river doesn't dry up before we get there.

G- Here, hold my hand so you don't fall. Really, I feel like I'm going to faint from the heat. Your face is so red. You should take off your life vest. (I helped her out of her vest and Wayan took it. Now she's climbing down the mountain in her bathing suit and helmet, using a paddle for a cane.)

P- I don't want to hold on to you. I don't want you to fall if I do. In fact, you should be behind me because if I fall, I'm rolling down this mountain and I'm taking you with me.

G- Take another break and drink some more water. (I also took out the camera.)

P- You take my picture and I'll break that camera.

G- Baby, when it's over, you'll look back on this and laugh.

P- I might not live to see that happen.

G- Well, if you fall over with a heart attack here, you're dying because there is no way anyone could get to you or get you out of here before you died.

P- Well that's comforting.

With 100 steps to go.................

G- How are you doing?

P- The muscles in my legs are shaking. Wayan, has anyone died before reaching the river? I'm going to be some pissed if I die before getting to raft down this river.

Wayan – (laughing) Go slow. No one die. You ok?

G- If it's any consolation, my legs are shaking too. These steps are unbelievable!!!! Listen, I can hear moving water.

P- Thank you Jesus!!



Older Wayan

 G- Really, they should warn people about this 400 step hike down to the river. No disclaimers in Bali.

We finally arrived at the river. Young Wayan had been there for quite some time and was resting in the raft. We jumped into the water to cool off and bring our body temps below 100 degrees. Old Wayan then positioned us in the raft. I was in the front on the right with young Wayan sitting on my left. Phyl was sitting in the middle seat on the left, and old Wayan sat in the back on the right. Then he gave us instructions, which we repeated several times because we had trouble understanding what the hell he was saying and we wanted to be sure we followed the instructions.

Wayan- (In a very thick Balinese accent) When I say “boom, boom” you go on floor in front of you.

G – Wait!! Why would you say “boom, boom”? What would be the reason for that?

Wayan – Maybe we crash into big rock.

G- (looking at Phyllis with crinkled brows) Let's try to avoid crashing into big rocks, ok? And make sure you say “boom, boom” very loudly!!

Wayan – Ok. Listen for instructions. The river ok. Only 1 big drop.

G- How big?

P- You ok, Gi?

Wayan – When I say “sit secure” you push foot under side of raft.

G- My foot is going to be stuck under there the whole time.

P- Relax, Gi. You'll be fine. Having tourists drown would be bad for business.

We pushed off from the shore and hadn't gone 30 yards when Wayan crashed us into a rock and yelled “boom, boom”. I dropped to the floor behind me, Phyl jumped to the floor, as instructed, and crashed into me. The Wayans laughed their asses off.

G- (grumbling under my breath) Very funny, mofo! You won't think it's so funny when I shit in your raft.

P- Really, Gi, that was funny. Please remember to go forward when he yells “boom, boom”.

G- I'm trying to remember all of the instructions, and I can barely understand what he's saying when he does say something. You're closer to him, when he says something, say it to me.

P- Ok, we'll get it. We just got started.

Our river trip was awesome!! After a while I relaxed, we got use to deciphering Wayan's instructions, and before long, we looked like we knew what we were doing. After an hour, we didn't even drop to the floor when Wayan yelled “boom, boom”. At times old Wayan would switch places with young Wayan and he would, very politely, call out the instructions. Several times he said the wrong thing and we crashed into the side of the river or go the wrong route through a rapid. We saw monitor lizards sunning themselves on rocks. We saw waterfalls and even rowed under one of them. We passed an old man naked and bathing in the river, and a work crew of younger men, stripped down to their underwear, cooling themselves in the river. They stared at us as we passed and we commented on the way they were unphased by the fact that they were in their underwear. We enjoyed the rapids and the cool water after the long hike. We saw so much flora and several very colorful birds. I was hoping to see one of those bright green, poisonous snakes in the tree, but we never saw one. Overall, we had a great time.

After about 2.5 hours, we arrived at our end and climbed a few steps to a structure where we had a shower and lunch. As we ate lunch, we watched an older Balinese woman carry our deflated raft, on her head, back up the mountain.  Her husband followed behind carrying the paddles, helmets and life jackets.  What the hell? Then we began the 200 stair climb back to the road. 10 steps into the climb, the sky opened and the rain began pouring.

P- Ugh!!! My legs had just started feeling better.

G- Asia diet. Asia diet. Asian stairmaster day.

P- At least the rain is keeping us cool.

Wayan pulled banana leaves off a tree to use as umbrellas, and a large group of Chinese tourists passed us on the path up. We finally reached the top and were exceptionally happy to see our van waiting for us. We happily sat back as we were driven back to our homestay.

P- The trek down to and back up from the river was horribly grueling, but I'd do it again tomorrow to go rafting again. Although I'm sure I won't be able to move tomorrow.

G- You need to stretch when we get back.

P- What I need is a massage.  Where is JoAnn?  Whah!

G- No whining, Gladys!