How Ya Like Me Now?

Ugh! Just as I had feared, I caught Phyl's affliction the night before we took the bus to Phnom Phen. I woke up several times with diarrhea and extreme nausea, but I was not vomiting. By morning I was exhausted, dehydrated, and thankful that we had booked the 12:30 bus. To make matters worse, the woman scourge was in full swing. Freaking shoot me!!!!! The one positive for Phyllis is that I was too exhausted to have a satanic, hormonal, mood swing. I took 2 Pepto tables and 2 Immodiums with a coke, but didn't eat anything.

A bus picked us up from Bun Kao and we drove around the city picking up other passengers. I was mildly nauseated, but it wasn't too bad. We didn't arrive at the main bus station until 12:35 and we quickly got off the first bus, only to be swarmed by vendors pushing bags of baguettes and pineapples into our faces. It was stressful because we were trying to carry our bags from one bus to the other without vomiting. We sat on the large bus waiting to leave. Tick, tick, tick. We were only 2 of 4 tourists on the bus, the remainder were locals, and the driver didn't speak a word of English.

G- It is 1:00 o'clock!! We're a half hour late. We need to leave because I've got my tampon situation timed to the minute and our first rest stop is going to be pushed back.

P- I know, but I don't know what to tell you. How is your stomach?

G- It doesn't feel good, but I'm not gonna barf.

P- What I'm worried about is that this crazy mofo will drive like a lunatic to make up the time we're losing by sitting here.

G- Maybe we should go to the bathroom before we leave.



modern gas station

 P- As I was getting on the bus I asked the driver “toilet?”, but he said NO!!!  We could have gone, but I'm sure he had no clue what I was asking.

The bus finally left at 1:10 pm, and sure enough, we flew out of there like the bats leaving Carlsbad Caverns. To make matters worse, our driver did not just toot his horn when he passed someone or something, he laid on the horn like a pissed off New York cab driver. The horn was loud and the bus bounced as he passed motorcycle, ox draw carts, people drawn carts, cows in the road, and other buses.

P- This is exactly what I was afraid of. How is your stomach?

G- I'm just breathing deeply. This bastard is trying to kill me. He's going around these other drivers like he's driving our little sports car instead of this big ass bus. Whah!

P- It's going to be along 6 hours.

baguettes for sale

To make matters just a little bit worse, the driver put a movie on the TV. A heart wrenching flick that must have been about a family's trials and tribulations during the Khmer Rouge. The dad had to leave to go work elsewhere, then the mom got come terrible disease and coughed up blood, but didn't have money for medicine. The young daughter was still going to school, but the little bitch she sat next to teased her mercilessly. The wailing and ear piercing talking in the Khmer language, while very beautifully written, was driving a stake through our brains!!!!!

The incessant honking and cat screeching of the TV movie, was like an insidious scorpion devouring our brains. My stomach was turning over and I was getting that hot feeling in my throat. Phyl was feeling nauseated too, probably due to her nerves. Virtually every single one of the Cambodians was asleep! The iPod was on and really loud, but we could still hear the horn and the TV.

The land was flat, yellow and brown. Wooden shacks on stilts, some nice concrete homes, small muddy water holes, and big, gray, horned cattle appeared sporadically along the side of the road. The landscape was dotted with palm trees. I couldn't decide if I was going to shat myself or vomit. Phyl and I looked at each other with pathetic, pleading eyes. We sucked mints. At 2:45 pm the bus pulled over to the side of the road. The bus driver made an announcement, in Khmer, and promptly got off. We watched him cross the road and assume the man peeing position. Men streamed off and lined up on either side of the driver.

G- Oh shit! Do you think this is our rest stop.

P- It can't be.

G- Really, why can't it?

P- Well, I guess it can be.

G- I don't know what to do. I was supposed to change my tampon 15 minutes ago. What if we don't stop again?

P- Baby, I don't know what to tell you.

G- Whah! (I started getting my little bag of toilet paper & a tampon out just in case.) If women get off, I guess I'd better get off too.

The words had barely crossed my lips when several women walked down the isle, including a few grandmas, women my age, and several little girls.

G- It looks like I'm peeing in a bush! Do you have to go?

P- No. I'll wait here. Good luck.



roadside pharmacy

 I followed the old ladies to the womens' side of the bus and squeezed between 2 large bushes, catching my shirt on several thorns. It took me a few minutes to free myself and find an appropriate bush for the business at hand. Thank gawd I was now accustomed to peeing while squatting. Things went off without a hitch and I was just finishing up when the bus driver began to honk his horn. I looked around and didn't see any other women. Shit! He's honking for me. I yanked up my pants, zipped and ran around the bush and to the bus. He slammed the door on my heels and took off.

P- OMG! I was starting to freak out that he was going to leave you. I was yelling, “don't leave my friend!”

G- I thought I was going quickly until I heard the honking.

P- How'd everything go?

G- I guess it went ok considering I just CHANGED MY TAMPON BEHIND A BUSH ON THE SIDE OF A ROAD IN CAMBODIA! (I poured a bottle of Purell on my hands.)

P- What did you do with it?

G- I shoved it under a pile of sticks and leaves. I hate like hell to litter like that, but what else could I do with it? Carry it back to the bus with me? Put it in my pocket? I had no choice.

P- I agree. You had to leave it there.

G- And Judy thought I have problems with the primitive bathroom conditions.  Ha!  Hey Judy, how ya like me now!?!

He floored it again and we were flying down the road in no time.

G- I think this SOB swallowed a handful of speed with a few cans of Red Bull.

P- He's scaring me to death.

G- I'm not scared, he's just making me nauseous.

Half an hour later we stopped at a “rest stop”. We each selected a squat toilet, from several, in a long, narrow concrete building, in the yard, behind the restaurant. The men were very thoughtful, leaving the toilets for the women, as they lined up along the fence and peed into the grass. We decided that we should eat a little something, so we pointed at a bowl of fried rice and a coke.

P- Look at that way around the opening to the kitchen.

G- I'd rather not.

P- When do you think that was last cleaned?

G- Never. I can't think of that.

P- I'm sure the wok is very clean.

G- Yes, it's the only one they cook in, so it is cleaned daily. I'll get the sporks from my bag.

Back on the bus we prayed that the food would stay down..............and up. The depressing movie ended and Cambodian Karaoke came on. Everyone was laughing. We turned up the volume on the iPod and breathed deeply. We watched the sun set over the dry rice fields, and the rocking of the bus didn't seem as violent. We began to laugh. The bus ride would not have been so bad were it not for our upset stomachs, and of, course, the woman scourge.



We arrived in Phnom Penh with trepidation about how far we'd have to walk to find out tuk-tuk driver. Fortunately we had gotten Mr. Bun Kao to book a room for us at his friend's place, Sweet Home, and for them to have a driver pick us up. As I exited the bus, a man held a sign with my name scrawled across it. Thank Gawd!!!!! He carried our bags to the tuk-tuk and we rode the 15 minutes to the guesthouse. They had a restaurant, so we ate some soup and went to our room to shower and go to bed. We had made it through another bus trip, and had a funny story to tell our grandchildren. Glad we can laugh about it now.