Curses! Foiled Again.

We slept late and lounged in the king size bed under the fluffy, white, European comforter. The comforter may be our favorite thing about traveling in Europe. We took advantage of the hot water kettle in our room and drank several cups of coffee. I took another shower and moaned inside it's glass enclosed walls with the rain shower head, thrilled to leave the toilet paper inside the room with me.

We then headed out to see Bangkok. On the way through the lobby we decided we should just eat lunch and enjoyed fried rice, green beans & chicken. Then we walked to the skytrain and were delighted to learn that we only had to go one stop to get to the Central Pier, on the Kao Praya River. The skytrain stop was literally 50 yards from the river taxi stop. Hundreds of tourists milled about trying to decide on the appropriate ticket. A 1 day, unlimited, hop on and off pass was 150 Baht ($5.00). We were going directly to the Royal Palace, so we decided we didn't need such a pass and purchased a one way ticket for 50 Baht/each. After the taxi pulled away from the dock, I watched an attendant circulating and checking tickets and selling tickets.

G- I'll be damned!

P- What?

G- That person just bought a ticket from the attendant for 14 Baht! We were screwed.

P- But it won't happen again, will it, my baby?

G- No it won't!

From that point on, we just jumped on the taxi and paid the attendant the 28 Bahts for the 2 of us to ride. As we road up the Kao Praya River, we fell in love with Bangkok.

P- This is fantastic! I love this so much.

G- Me too. Doesn't it remind you of Venice?

P- Yes.

G- I mean, obviously it doesn't have the charm of Venice or the beautiful Moorish buildings, but the feel of taking a water taxi and watching the city unfold before you makes me think of Venice.

P- I agree. That's exactly what I was thinking. I read in the book that Bangkok was called the Venice of the East. Now I see why.

We exited at the Tha Chang pier and walked through an alley, to the street. Not knowing which way to go, we spotted a European couple and followed them past stalls of street vendors selling anything you can imagine, and some things you can't imagine, such as dentures. After 2 blocks, we arrived at the Grand Palace. Half way to the main gate we were stopped by a very official looking man wearing a dress shirt with patches on each shoulder containing the Grand Palace logo. He carried a clip board and a laminated paper showing the dress code. He advised us that we were not properly dressed for the Grand Palace, but had time to obtain the proper clothes because the Palace was closed, for a ceremony, and would reopen in 2 hours. He asked if we had a map and suggested other nearby Wats that we could visit until the Palace reopened. We discussed the other Wats. If we were interested, he could call us a tuk-tuk. Suddenly, something clicked in my mind...........

G- Wait a minute, this is that scam I read about in the guide book.

P- What scam?

Scammer – No. It true. Palace closed now.

G- No it's not. (I grabbed Phyl's arm and we began to walk away toward the entrance.

P- What the hell was that all about?

G- I read that they try to scam you by telling you the temple is closed and putting you in a friend's tuk-tuk to take you to another Wat or some place that sells shit we don't want.

P- Damn! He was very convincing and looked like an employee of the Palace.

G- No kidding. I was falling for it and I read about the scam.

At the entrance gate we stopped and Phyl was getting our sarongs out of the backpack when another man approached us. He was not as official looking, but he pulled out his laminated card and told us we were not properly dressed and would not be allowed in the temple.

G- We know. We have sarongs.

Scammer – The temple closed now.

P- We know the temple is not closed. Go away.

He began to protest, but Phyl gave him 'the look'. He stopped talking to us and turned his attentions to a young, western couple. I heard him give them the spiel and they began to follow him.

G- Hey! (they turned and looked) Don't listen to him. He's telling you bullshit. The temple is not closed and if you don't have a sarong, I think I read that they'll loan you one or you can rent one.

Scammer – No. It true. (He looked at me like bitch, mind your own business.)

P- It's a scam in the guide book.

Couple – Ok, thank you. They turned and walked into the gates of the temple.

G- We gotta work together to protect each other.




We purchased our Royal Palace tickets, stopped for a squat, and went to the entrance gate. My sarong was tied exactly like Phyl's, but the ticket taking lady found fault with it nonetheless, and would not let me in. She pointed at my sarong, then pointed at the dress code sign. Phyl and I discussed the problem. Apparently my sarong was tied in such a way that when I walked, my thigh could be seen. Well, not my thigh because my shorts hung to my knees, but my sarong was apparently coming open.

I tried to tie it again, but it did not pass inspection. Phyl tried tying it, still not acceptable. I untied it again and offered the corners to the ticket lady for her to tie it in a way she found acceptable. Instead............... she pulled the sides in opposite directions and shoved them, and her hands, into my pants.

G- Uh! Did she just stick her hands in my pants?

P- (laughing) I believe that she did.

G- That is not at all what I was expecting.

P- Me either, but it didn't seem to bother her a bit.

G- At night she moonlights at the womans' prison.

P- Did you enjoy it?

G- No. She wasn't very friendly. Only smiling people should put their hands in my pants.

P- Oh well, let's get moving. We only have 4 ½ hours for the temple area and the palace.

As one would expect, the temple complex at the Royal Palace was magnificent! The upper terrace consisted of 4 monuments: a large gold chedi/stupa, the Mondap (holds sacred Buddhist scriptures), miniature model of Angkor Wat, & the Royal Pantheon (holds statues of past Chakri dynasty rulers). The Wat, inside The Royal Monastery of the Emerald Buddha, was large, with beautiful murals on the walls, and a solid green jade Buddha high on the alter. The Buddha is carved from one block of jade and was found in 1434 (it is not known when it was carved) in Chiang Rai. A wall surrounds the Royal Monastery and the inside is lined by galleries painted with scenes from The Ramakien, dating to King Rama I, in the late 1700's. We then walked through the gates and into the very large courtyard of the Royal Palace, built by King Rama V, in 1903, in a western style. Rama V was the first to travel to Europe.

It was a very hot day so before we walked further, we sat and ate an ice cream and talked to a Thai man who's good friend lives in LA. He had visited California several times. He also collected post cards, mailed from around the world, and asked that we send him one from New Orleans. We have his address and will do so upon our return.

After our feet stopped throbbing, we headed out the Palace gates and along the river toward Wat Pho. Our path lead us through an area, spanning several blocks, where Buddhist amulets were sold. Some were in a pile on a blanket on the ground and others were in plastic cases on tables. As we neared the temple, we purchased chicken skewers (meat & livers) from a cart/grill. (4 skewers for under $1.00) While we stood eating our skewers and watching the goings on, a man approached us and asked the familiar questions: where you from? What your names? Where you go?

P- We're from America. We're going to Wat Pho.

Scammer – Wat Pho closed.

G- No, it's not.

Scammer – Yes.

G- No. (said with a smile)

Scammer – Closed.

P- It's not closed. (we started walking away)

Scammer – You don't believe me?

G- No, we don't believe you. The guide books warn us about you.

Scammer – It true! It closed!

P- (to me) Piss off asswhipe! We know it is not closed.

Scammer - It closed!  It closed!

We arrived at Wat Pho, which did not close for 2.5 hours, paid our entrance fee and went in to see Phra Buddhasaiyas, Thailand's largest reclining Buddha, built during the reign of King Rama III. It is painted gold, and the bottom of the feet contain mother of pearl symbols of nature from Indian & Chinese influences. It is quite an amazing sight.

Inside another wall are 4 huge pagodas that look like colorful wedding cakes, their exteriors decorated with millions of colorful, cut tiles. We walked around the compound admiring the hundreds of Buddha statues lining the walls, then followed the soothing sound of monks chanting to the Phra Buddha Deva Patimakorn (main chapel). We sat inside the temple, for at least 20 minutes, enjoying the spirituality of the chanting, as a golden Buddha observed from his seat on the high alter at the back wall.

Leaving Wat Pho, we walked back to the river, past a highly manicured park, and waited for the water taxi at Tha Tien Pier. We spoke to a young man from Bangladesh who was in Bangkok working for a German shirt making company. We had never heard of it, but the shirts are upwards of $200 and are ordered on line, sewn in Bangkok and shipped to Germany. I asked about this industry in Bangladesh because I know that the country exports a lot of textiles. He advised that Bangkok is the perfect place because not only can the clothes be made cheaply, but shipping can be accomplished quickly, something that is very slow from Bangladesh.

Tired and not interested in searching for a place to eat, we returned to our hotel, enjoyed a pitcher of Chang beer, and ate a dinner of fried egg rolls and green pork curry. We felt like queens luxuriating in our hot, glass shower and snuggled under the wonderful comforter, watching the 1 English channel, until we fell asleep.

Roach Coach

We got up early, packed, said our good-byes to Ron & Min and caught a red taxi (don't think car, think seats in the back of a pick up truck with a roof) to the train station. It was only about a 10 minute ride and it was a cool morning. We lamented the fact that we were headed south and to the heat. As much as we enjoyed Chiang Mai, we were ready to move on.


The train consisted of 3 cars, all air conditioned. We left on time at 9:00AM. We were pleased with our accommodations on the “Supinta” train for the 8 hour ride to Bangkok. Having read that often conveyances are cold as meat lockers, we had taken our jackets out of our bags. It wasn't long before we put them on and pulled out a small blanket to cover our legs. I had even put a pair of socks in my day pack, which I also put on. Yes, I looked like a dork, but the Germans behind us eyed my socks with envy and motioned that their feet were freezing.

As the miles between us and Chiang Mai gradually increased, we drove through green fields surrounded by mountains. The scenery was very beautiful and we were glad to have taken the day train. Unfortunately, we stopped every little while and we began to wonder why this was called the “Supinta” train as it seemed we were going to get nowhere fast.

G- Look, we're being served a beverage.

P – What are our choices?

G- Looks like hot tea or coffee. You think we should drink from those cups?

P- That's what I was thinking. I'm not sure how safe they are, but I guess we'll find out.

G- Phyl ordered coffee and I got hot tea.

We talked, looked out of the windows, read, and typed blogs. Even though we stopped frequently, the time passed quickly. We had been told that there would be no food on the train so we had brought

one container of fried rice & one of curry chicken, purchased from the lunchtime vendor, with us. We also had some crackers and cheese for later. At lunchtime, the attendant returned and passed out dishes of white rice with 2 slices of an unknown meat draped over the top. We declined the offer and ate the dishes we had brought.

G- It tastes good even though it's not warm.

P- Not warm! It's cold! I hate eating cold food.

G- You can have something hot, get a dish of the white rice and we can play 'guess which meat I'm eating'.

P- No thanks, but I wish she would heat our food for us.

G- Good luck trying to figure out how to request that. Just eat it and pretend it's hot. Oh, that last bite just burned my lip. Be careful with the chicken, it's almost too hot to eat.

P- Shut up, ass! Those psychological tricks don't work for me. Cold rice is cold rice no matter how many times I tell myself it's warm.

G- I have to blow on mine before I can even eat it. Too bad yours is cold.

P- To the moon, Agnes!

The Germans got off and were replaced by a French couple. A Thai family got on with a giant bag of cracklin. A woman got on with a little baby boy strapped to her chest in one of those baby harnesses and sat across from us. He looked about 6-7 months old and cooed, giggled and smiled from ear to ear. We made goofy faces at him and he laughed, but maintained a quizzical look on his face. Even the 6 month old knows we look different.

G- I just realized that I never see Asians reading. They sit around a lot, but I've never seen anyone reading.

P- You're right. If the hotel workers in Bali weren't doing anything, they just sat and talked to one another or looked around or napped.

G- Even our bus drivers who would just sit and wait for us didn't read.

P- Now that you mention it, look around this bus. Almost all of the tourists are reading and none of the Thais are reading.

G- That was the same in Malaysia, in Chaing Mai, everywhere we've been.

The mountains receded and the land flattened, but we continued to pass mile after mile of farmland. We had no map, so we had no idea where we were, but it was about 5:00 pm, and we were scheduled to arrive in Bangkok at 6:30 pm. It was starting to get dark. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed movement on the seat across the isle.

G- Oh shit!

P- What?

G- There is a roach on the seat across the isle.

P- What kind of roach?

G- Does it matter? I hate all roaches. The brown kind that infests a house and makes a million babies. Not a giant cockroach.

P- That's great. Just make sure it doesn't come over here.

A little time passed.

G- There's another one running down the isle.

P- Kill it.

G- You know I don't like stepping on them.

P- Kill it before it runs by us.

The man across from me stepped on it as another one ran out from under another seat. Now everyone was looking around and at each other.

P – Get your backpack off the ground! I hope they aren't getting into our bags on the shelf above us.

G- Where in the hell are they all coming from. That girl has swept and mopped the floor about once every hour.

We continued to see roaches run on the floor and various people would stomp them. Everyone had picked up their bags from the floor and was on high alert. It wasn't exactly like the infestation you'd see in a movie like Snakes on a Plane, but there were enough of them that everyone was keeping their eyes peeled. I went to the bathroom and when I returned the French couple behind us was inspecting a train schedule. I smiled and we were chatting about where we had been and where we were going when the train stopped, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. We sat there for about 20 minutes until another train passed in the opposite direction. Apparently there is only one rail that each direction must share.

We hadn't been moving long when we made another stop. I saw the couple look at the train schedule so I asked if they knew where we were.

French girl – We are here. (pointing at the town on the list). I think we have 2 hours still.

G- 2 more hours?! I looked at my watch and it was already 6:15 pm. We are 2 hours late?

French guy – Yes.

P- Great! We're stuck on the roach coach and now we're 2 hours late? I was enjoying this train ride, now I'm ready to get off this thing before a roach crawls on me.

She had barely gotten the words out of her mouth when the French girl let out a little gasp and her husband smacked the back of Phyl's chair with his book. Phyl jerked her head around and asked them, through the seats, was that a roach?

French guy- Yes. A big one.

G- How big?

French girl – Not too big.

P- How big?

The guy held up his fingers and indicated about an inch.

P- Did you get it?

French guy – No.

As I turned my head I saw it come running over the top of Phyl's seat. I simultaneously shoved Phyl's head forward and grabbed a bag from the seat pocket in front of me. Phyl was trying to climb over me as I grabbed it with the bag and threw them both on the floor. The French guy stomped the bag. Now we were totally freaked out and paranoid. Our eyes roamed, constantly looking for signs of movement and we were jumpy. Things settled down after we hadn't seen one for about 10 minutes, but then Phyl squealed and jumped over so quickly she jammed my hips between her and my armrest.

I wiggled myself free, jumped up and stood in the aisle.

G- What?

P- Now the little bastards are coming out of this hole in the molding between the windows. (She grabbed a napkin from her seat pocket and smashed at them with it. They were the tiny little black babies.)

G- I'll just stand in the aisle. You move over away from the window.

The French guy also stoop up and the girl moved over to the aisle seat. This is how we remained for the next hour until we pulled into the Bangkok station at 8:30 pm; only 2 hours late. We gathered our stuff and headed toward the metro. We tried to get information from the ticket clerk, but she did not speak English. Phyl spotted 2 western looking guys and they gave us directions to the metro. We went 3 stops, then had to switch to the Skytrain. Of course we had to go up a flight of stairs, walk a block along the crowded street, then up 2 flights of stairs to the platform.

P- I'm not climbing anymore stairs!! My knees are killing me and I think they're going to buckle under this weight.

G- We'll probably have to go downstairs to get out of the station.

P- I hope there is an escalator.

Four stops later we arrived at Surasak We took an escalator down one flight, then had to take stairs to the street. Phyl's brows were furrowed, but she didn't say a word. Luckily we only had to walk 2 blocks to our hotel. It was 9:30 pm. The hotel was only a few months old, and we were very excited when we walked into our room because it was the most modern one we have had so far. It was large with a king size bed and a fluffy, white, European style comforter, flat screen TV, large mini fridge, coffee pot, 2 night stands (with bedside lamps!) and a chair. By far the most impressive thing was the bathroom with a very contemporary sink, large glass enclosed shower and a big rain shower head. We took a long hot shower.

The roach coach had been hell, but now we were in heaven!!!!!!

A Sad Good-bye to Kosta

The original plan was to take the overnight train to Bangkok, but the tickets for 1st and 2nd class were sold out and we were told that we definitely should not take 3rd class.  An overnight train wasn't our first choice anyway, because we want to see the country side as we travel.  We had discussed the situation with Min

G- Min, if we take the 1st class on the day train is it nice?

Min - Yes, nice, but take Supinta train.

G- The Supinta?

Min- Yes.

G- Let me write that down.  Phyl, did you see a train on the list called Supinta?

P- No, but we can look when we go. (under her breath to me) Just to be safe, let's ask Ron.

Ron returned and we asked him about the Supinta train. 

Ron - (laughing) She is saying to take the Sprinter train.

P & G- Bwahahahahah!

G-  I'd feel like a big dumb ass going to the station asking for the Supinta train.

P- Or maybe they'd totally understand what you meant.

G- Ok maybe they'd think I was making fun of their English.

Ron, Phyl & I had a good laugh about this, but Min didn't seem to get the humor.

We went to the station and purchased our tickets.  Outside the station a woman was selling grilled chicken parts so we purchased 4 skewers of livers and headed back to the guesthouse.

G- Isn't that the street where we have to turn right?

P- Yes, to go over the white bridge.

G- Just cross over and go up that side, then take the right.

P- You want me to cross over 2 lanes of on coming traffic and drive the wrong way for a block?  Who are you and what happened to chicken Gina?

G- She's gone, I'm use to this motorcycle thing now and I kind've like it.  Everyone else drives on the wrong side of the road, and no traffic is coming, so do it!

P- Ok Agnes!!!

Back at the guesthouse Phyl made us a delicious salad with green leaf lettuce, tomatoes, balsamic vinegarette and chicken livers.  We've been eating these salads ever since we discovered them in Paris in 2006.  We enjoyed our lunch and a Chang on the chaise in the breeze way.  We were excited to be moving on, but sad to be leaving the Wild Orchid.  We had really enjoyed our time here and it's where our mindsets about the trip had changed.

We were really going to miss Kosta and were hoping to spend the evening with him.  Fortunately, he came over to see if we wanted to do something, which we did, and asked if we wanted to 'go play bowling'.  It was my turn to drive the motorcycle, so Phyl hopped on the back and we took off following Kosta.  Phyl had been having pain in her shoulder, so she decided that she'd better not bowl.  Kosta and I paid our 130 Baht ($5.00 USD) for 3 games, got our shoes, and selected our balls.  The bowling alley was very nice and was equipped with all the things you'd find in a US bowling alley.  In fact, it appeared that everything came from the US.  Even the score board was computerized.

Phyl and I shared a pitcher of beer and Kosta and I loosened up during the first game.  Kosta is very athletic and, we learned, competitive. The first game was close, but Kosta won.  The second game started with me kicking his ass through the first half, then he came back and beat me. He swept me in all 3 games, but we had a great time.

Later that evening he met us for dinner and we returned to the alleyway where we first met 2 weeks before.  We ordered our food at the street stand and sat in the alley debating whether or not we should eat from the silverware.

P- Are we eating from this silverware?

G- I didn't bring our sporks.  We ate from them last time.

Kosta - I never like to either, but you can do nothing except ask for a plastic spoon.

G- The last time we were here we watched someone washing the dishes with soap, just no hot water.

P- They don't use hot water anywhere.  The guesthouse kitchen I was using at lunch didn't have hot water in the sink.

G- None of the places where we stayed in Malaysia had hot water for washing dishes and we haven't gotten sick anywhere.  Just goes to show you, another example of ridiculous overkill in the states.  If the dishwashing water isn't 10,000 degrees you can get a fine because everything had to be sanitized.  In Southeast Asia dishes are washed in cold water and everyone is fine.  Hell, half of all dishes and silverware is washed in an alley from a garden hose or in a bucket on the curb and everyone is fine, even the Americans.

P- Well, you know about all the ridiculous Board of Health Rules we had to follow when we owned the restaurant.  We couldn't have the door open on a beautiful day because a fly could get in, but all of Cafe du Monde's tables were outside.  Apparently flies knew not to go into that area.

Kosta - It is ridiculous with rules in Belgium too.  Maybe that is why I like it here so much in Chiang Mai; everything is much less stress.

 Kosta was still sad to leave Thailand, but excited to go home and see his daughter.  This place goes beyond the definition of a dive restaurant.  Can it even be considered a dive if it isn't even in a building but is just a food cart with some tables in an alley?  No matter, the food is excellent!  We had a few more laughs as we enjoyed our last meal together and talked of plans to visit him in Belgium, then we walked up the street and ordered a roti (a banana crepe with chocolate syrup on top) for dessert. We said our good-byes to Kosta and went upstairs to pack.

You Can Put Them In My Ears

We were finally able to pick up our visa and passports from the Chinese Embassy, so we got a motorcycle, 9,000 Baht ($300.00 USD) and drove over there.  China and the US are pretending to have good relations now. Hell, Win Jiabao just visited the White House, but US citizens are being charged a lot more for visas than the rest of the world.  Thai citizens were charged one price, all other countries' citizens' about 1/4 more, then we are double everyone elses' fee.  Oh well, what are we gonna do, we want to go to China.  Then we stopped at the grocery for a few necessities, which included Fruit Loops, because they didn't carry Frosted Flakes, and spent the remainder of the afternoon planning our trek to Bangkok and researching accommodations.



Hong is on the left and Jang the right.

 Timmy had been trying, for quite some time, to talk us into a Thai full body massage. Of course we love massages, but had been warned that Thai massage was not quite the peaceful, tranquility inducing experience of Swedish massage. Connor had a Thai massage, from a blind woman (a common thing) while he was in Chiang Mai, and had ended up having his nuts knelt on. All joking aside, we fully intended to have a massage, we were just waiting until today.


In the early evening we went to Timmy's, which consisted of several chairs lined up in front of a closed down hotel, not quite sure exactly where the massages would take place. We already knew that unlike Swedish massages, we would not be taking off our clothes, and that there was a possibility, from seeing this take place all over the city, that we might be massaged on a mattress on the ground. Timmy greeted us excitedly and introduced us to Hong & Jang. She then led us into the closed down hotel, behind her chairs, where she had set up a platform, 3 mattresses wide, surrounded by a curtain on a wire. She pointed to the mattresses and instructed us to lye down.

G- (spoken to Phyl in a whisper) Hmmm, I wonder how it is that she has access to this place.

P- I don't know, but I'm kind've scared of it.

G- Yes, it does lack a little, how should we say it, atmosphere. Baby, it's all part of the experience and we're paying $5.00 instead of $100.00, so we'll just have to do without the soothing music and flowing water.

P- I'm fine with this, I'm just happy that someone is going to rub my aching body.

G- I wonder how many people have been massaged on this mattress since it was last washed. I can't imagine that these throw pillows have ever been washed. Blech! That's kind've freaking me out.

P- Me too. Try not to think about it.

Hong and Jang had a discussion, in Thai, and obviously decided that Hong would massage Phyl and Jang would massage me. We laid side by side, fully clothed, on our backs, so close that we could touch each other without extending our arms. They climbed up on our mattresses and began massaging our thighs. In no time, they had worked their way up to our groins and after a brief massage, were on their knees, leaning over us, applying pressure at the point where the leg meets the lower abdomen! Um, the thumbs were touching the exterior parts of my nether regions! WTF? Because their English was extremely limited, we could talk fairly freely.

G- Holy crap! It has been almost 20 years since anyone new has touched me there, and I'm accustomed to being kissed first.

P- (Trying not to laugh.) I know what you mean. I know we have a language barrier, but nothing was mentioned about us getting happy endings!

G- And this has just started, I can't imagine what will have happened by the time it's over!

P- It seems we'll definitely get our $5.00 worth! And more!!

G- I'm surprised that Connor failed to mention this. He said she knelt on his nuts, but he said nothing about her climbing on top of him, leaning on his groin, and touching his nuts with her thumbs.

P- Maybe this part is omitted when they're massaging a man.

G- And it just dawned on me that there is a guy masseuse out there. I wonder who he'll full body massage.

P- I don't care as long as it isn't me!

The massages were being done in unison and it was easy to tell that they had be taught by the same instructor. The groin pressure point was released, and they returned to a seated position, albeit between our legs. Our feet were stretched down, then up. Our legs were pulled down, then up. The bottom portion of our legs were turned sideways, and our hips rotated, in an apparent attempt to put our legs over our heads. I was somewhat more flexible during this maneuver, but Phyl let out a small yelp. Hong laughed, patted her stomach, and made eating motions with her hands and mouth. Then she patted her own stomach. Hong's build was more like Phyl's, and I think she was happy to have a friend in this country of size 1-4 women.

P- Ha, ha, very funny MoFo! (she smiled at Hong, then turned and raised an eyebrow at me). Hong bent over and laid her head on Phyl's belly and hugged her.

I had very little time to react to this woman lying on Phy lwhen Jang put my feet together and tried to make them touch my throat.

Jang - You ok?

G – Fine. (smiling) I do this all the time, especially when I'm watching TV. It's nothing. You can put them in my ears.

P- Hell, even if they shoved our feet up our asses, how could we tell them not to because they have no idea what we're saying.

G- Oh, if that happened, I think we could protest in a universal language!

Finally our legs were returned to the mattresses and they began to massage our calves and feet. Things settled down and we relaxed.

G- Look at all of the spider webs on the ceiling. You see that one just to the right of that big hole? It looks like an eagle head.

P- What a fun game. While there is a lull in the leg twisting, we can look for animals in the spider webs, like we use to do, as children, with clouds. Isn't this interesting?

G- It looks like the ceiling was full of can lights which were removed, because the holes are perfectly round and all the same size.

P- This was apparently the lobby.

Our legs were moved across our bodies and they leaned on our hips. This wasn't so bizarre; I did this in yoga. Of course, no one was leaning on my hip at the time. They then massaged our arms, shoulders and upper chests. Back to the feet, our toes were cracked, something I seriously hate, but in Thai massage, things happen so fast that there is no time to protest. Apparently one of my toes on my right foot escaped cracking, so Hong leaned over and cracked it for me. Thanks, Hong, you ho!

Phyl started laughing, but stopped when her toes were bent upward in an attempt to touch the tops of her feet. We then received hand motions to turn over.

G- Ugh! I wasn't looking forward to this part because I don't want to put my face on this pillow.

P- I know. Just try not to think about it. I'm sure they're about to twist something to take your mind off of it.

No sooner had the words escaped her lips, when our legs were folded, much like a baker does with dough when he is making a large pretzel, and tried to put our feet into our asses. They worked their way up our legs, squeezing, pressing and prodding, until they arrived at our largest muscles, the gluteus maximii. It is amazing, or maybe it isn't, but the ass muscles become extremely painful when one is climbing stairs, walking for miles, riding a motorcycle, or just sitting for days on end. Apparently the ass contains a plethora of pressure points, but rest assured, Hong & Jang found some that we never knew existed!! We whimpered a little, but refrained from full fledged crying. I completely forgot that I was grossed out by the pillow upon which my face was resting, and squeezed the sheet in my hands.

The massages ended with us sitting up for a head massage and some kind of pulling and snapping at our scalps. Don't forget the ear wiggling and lobe pulling. I can only think that this takes longer during the massages of the already long lobed, white buggers waiting for their happy endings. Just as quickly as it started, it was over. It was more of a marathon of slight fear than the ultra relaxation of the Swedish massage, but when we got up from the mattresses, we felt loose and limber and physically, if not mentally, relaxed. I guess the old adage “no pain, no gain” applies to Thai massage.

After our massages we hooked up with Kosta. He was not at all interested in getting a massage, especially after we regaled him with our experiences. It was later than dinner time, so Kosta had already eaten, but he accompanied us to a sushi restaurant that Ron had recommended. It was like a buffet in that we paid one price and ate as much as we wanted, but the odd thing was that we were being timed. We had an hour and 15 minutes to eat as much as we could. We're not really keen on buffets and prefer quality to quantity, but this place was recommended. We were going to go to the buffet that the Chinese & Australian boys visited, but it got mixed reviews; the Chinese boys loved & raved about it, but the Australian boys complained that it contained very weird foods. We decided that our tastes would more closely mirror the Australian boys, and decided against that buffet.

We were sat at a table with pots of boiling water and broth in the middle. To the right of the table, a conveyor belt carried various food choices on little plates. An hour and 15 minutes seems like a long time, but it was quite stressful to make selections as the little plates sped past. It was like The Melting Pot on crack.

P- What is on that plate?

G- I don't know what it is; some kind of meat. You want it?

P- No. There is no seasoning in this water. Everything I boil in it tastes boring. I don't like this. I'm just going to eat the sushi.

G- Boil your stuff in the chicken broth. My potstickers tasted good. You see that plate that's passing the chick in the pink sweater?

P- The one next to the pile of green stuff?

G- Yes. What do you think that is?

P- No idea, but grab it when it comes around.

G- I don't want to waste anything. I'm going to get more sushi, and that ice green tea is really good.

Kosta sat there looking mildly mortified and laughing at us. He was glad that he had eaten first. We all laughed at the speed eating concept. Kosta kept us amused telling us stories about his life in Belgium. He is quite hysterical. Also, he'd tell us Finnish expressions that would crack us up. For instance, his friends would tell him to 'set his ass on fire', which corresponded to the US version of 'get your head out of your ass' regarding his continued love for the bitch who dragged him to Thailand and then threw him out. Then there was something about sucking the top of the thumb and asking 'do you think I just came from an egg?' This seemingly corresponded to 'I wasn't born yesterday'. These new sayings, along with Kosta's wit, provided hours of entertainment.

After our hour and 15 minutes were up, we were presented with the bill and basically told to get out. Kosta walked us back to our guesthouse, chatted for a short time, then headed to his guesthouse. He still was not sleeping well; between the breakup with the bitch and monks' chanting & gonging at 5:00 AM (he was located even closer to them than we were), sleep was escaping him. We had solved our problems with the cat screwing, gonging, and pigeon noises, we were wearing ear plugs!

Colonel, I Want Potatoes

We needed something different to eat and had decided that we'd go to KFC for chicken strips and mashed potatoes. We were both craving potatoes. I did a search on line and discovered that the closest one was on the road, on the other side of the walled area, near the university. It was not close enough to walk, so we hopped on a motorcycle, something we were really beginning to enjoy. Traffic was heavier in this area, and Phyl (still driving) kept abruptly hitting the brake.


G- Shit! Please stop doing that! Accelerate! Stop! Accelerate! Stop!

P- What the hell do you want me to do, hit someone or let someone hit us?

G- No, but your braking seems so random that I'm not prepared and my head, with this big ass helmet, is flying forward and crashing into the back of your helmet. It's turning my helmet sideways and giving me a headache. Do you not feel my helmet hitting yours?

P- Yes, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to concentrate on not getting us killed.

G- I appreciate that, but I'd like to live without the adult equivalent of shaken baby syndrome.

P- I get nervous when I have to make those u-turns around the moat and then merge into the traffic on the other side, because even though the road is painted to indicate the cars can not come straight, we both know none of the Asian road rules are actually followed.

G- Just get all the way to the left, we have a way to go before we turn left. We have to drive the rest of the way on this side of the wall, then turn right and drive along that whole side too, then turn left on that big street that cuts at an angle.

P- Ok.

Easier said than done. It was not on the street that we thought it was on, so we drove around, starving and bitching, for an extra 20 minutes. Just as we were about to give up, we saw the KFC sign. Phyl hit the brakes, my head flew forward and our helmets crashed together just as she turned into the mall and drove into the motorcycle parking area of the garage. At least we found it and were going to eat some mashed potatoes!

We walked up the ramp, down the stairs, around the corner, and up to the counter as we searched the sign for what we wanted.

G- Son of a bitch! No chicken strips and no potatoes! Whah!!

P- No potatoes?!?!? Whah!!! Why are their no potatoes? This is KFC! Oh, but there is RICE!!!!!

G- KFC in Asia. These people don't want potatoes, they want rice. Why did we assume that there would be chicken strips and potatoes?

P- Because we're stupid!

G- Apparently so. Well, we're here and starving, let's eat something.

P- What the hell is that dish? Rice, of course, but is that a piece of chicken with some kind of green gravy with peas on it? That is disgusting.

G- You gonna try it? Ha!

P- Hell no! It looks like someone already ate it.

G- LMAO! Look, instead of potatoes, you can get that little egg custard quiche looking thing. Blech!

P- No thanks!

We each got a spicy chicken sandwich, french fries, & Pepsi.

G- How lucky for us, you can't get potatoes or strips like in America, but you're still stuck drinking that nasty Pepsi instead of Coke!

Actually, the chicken sandwich was yummy, and because we were eating in, instead of taking the food to go, we were given the Pepsi in a large GLASS with lots of ice, so that soothed us a bit. We felt better after eating and headed to the fresh market that we had visited, with Pot, the night of our cooking class. We bought more "boudin", some pork jerky, green leaf lettuce, and dried kiwi. We still had balsamic salad dressing and tomatoes from the grocery and were going to have another salad.

G- Look, fried chicken heads and feet. You still not tempted to try them?

P- Hell, no. You try them.

G- Hell, no. I really do love this market. I wish we had one at home.

P- Me too.

By now we were jumping on and off the motorcycle like pros and because we now knew where we were going, the ride back to the guesthouse was uneventful. We hung out in the breeze way and watched people go by.

P- I know I've said this before, but all of these old, white guys with these young Thai girls, is really disgusting me. Look at them. They look pathetic!

G- I agree. Nasty bastards! Can't get laid in their own country, so they come here where the playing field is not level and they have an advantage, money.

P- We didn't see so much of this in Bali. Well, there was that one guy.  Nasty bastard!

G- I think it existed in Bali too, but just not as much as here where it is everywhere you look. I am ok with an expat who lives here and dates, or is in a relationship with, a Thai woman. Like Ron & Min. He's lived here for 6 years. Who else would he date besides a Thai woman?

P- I think they've been together for 5 or 6 years. That's fine. That's not what I'm talking about.  You can look at them and see which ones are relationships and which ones are not.  The slimy, lusters are very obvious.

G- I know what you're talking about. You're talking about the huge age difference and the ones who are clearly short term.  That goes on in America too.  Hell, men are the same all over the world.

P- Yeah, but having to watch the old bastards paw all over the girls just grosses me out!  Women are pathetic!

G- True. The fake fawning by the Thai girls is gross too! Blech!  Women can be pathetic, but these women have far fewer choices than the women in America.

Finally they left the table just across the street from the breeze way and we no longer had to watch the old, white bastards embarrassing themselves.

G- I was thinking that since we had the motorcycle, we could go eat at that Italian restaurant inside the wall.

P- What about the lettuce?

G- Just leave it in the fridge and we'll eat it tomorrow for lunch.

P- I like the way you think. You know I can always eat Italian food.

We were going to invite Kosta, but he didn't come around that afternoon and we didn't know the name of his guesthouse. Dinner was very yummy, a tomato and buffalo mozzarella salad and eggplant pasta. We made the mistake of ordering red wine, which was crap, but overall the dinner was very good. Note to self: Stop trying to get decent wine in Asia and just drink the beer!!

Eat My Feet, Fish!

As we sat drinking our coffee, Ansen & Freshman passed carrying towels.


P- Where are you going?

Ansen- To swim.

G- Where?

Ansen – Don't know yet. Maybe at the big hotel down the street.

P- Sounds good. What are you going to do, just walk in like you belong there and get into the pool?

Ansen – Yes. (Freshman smiled.)

G- Ok, good plan. Good luck and let us know how well it works. Maybe we'll want to go swimming too.

We worked on blogs for a while.............

G- I'm hungry. What are we going to eat today?

P- I don't know. What do you feel like eating?

G- A roast beef po-boy from Short Stop.

P- Yeah, me too. What do you feel like eating that we can get?

G- Blech! I don't want anything from around here, just go to the lunch vendor and see what he wants to give us today. I don't care what it is. This lunch is purely utilitarian, and just to make my stomach stop growling.

P- I agree. Ok, let me see what he wants to feed us today.

Phyl returned with pork fried rice and chicken curry.

G- Ah, I see we get to have chicken today. This is very good.

P- Yes, it is. It's very quiet on the street today and no one is in the Fish Spa, maybe we should do that this afternoon.

G- Ok. I think it's going to tickle too much for me to stand it, but I'm willing to try it.

As we were heading off to the Fish Spa, Ansen & Freshman returned.

G- How'd it go at the pool?

Ansen – Good. We walked in, jumped in the pool, swam for a while, then left.

P- No one said anything to you?

Freshman – No.

P- That's good to know. What are y'all doing tonight? You want to go Karaoke?

Ansen – No, we are already going to the buffet with the Australian boys.

G- Ok, y'all have fun and let us know how it is.

We carried a bag of laundry across the street. It was exciting to have our clothes washed in a machine and have them smell so nice when we put them on, and we were enjoying this luxury. The laundry was weighed, 1.5 kilograms; it would cost 75 Baht (about $2.30). Hell, we have such few clothes, even if we washed everything at the same time, which we couldn't because we'd have to be naked, it would still cost less than $8.00. Having our laundry washed here, by someone else, was cheaper than washing it ourselves at the coin operated machines in Singapore.

The Fish Spa that we selected was 2 blocks away. Actually, there is a fish spa on almost every corner, but this one looked nice, seemed very clean, and had a lot of fish in the tank. It was a good day to do it because we thought the fish would be hungrier since there were so few people around, and likely not many, if any, customers so far this day. We selected the 15 minutes for 150 Baht ($5.00), removed our shoes and changed into their flip flops, then followed the woman to an area where they washed our feet. Phyl & I made faces and laughed over the ladies' heads as they tickled our feet by scrubbing them with a pumice stone.

G- I sure hope this actually works and that I can stand to keep my feet in the tank while the fish eat them.

P- I hope it works too because my heels are so calloused

G- I hear ya, Gladys. Have you felt how scratchy my heels are? You know it's freaking me out since I love to have my feet creamed and in socks. My poor feet. They may never be the same again.

P- They'll be fine, Agnes. I'm sure you'll go back to your fanatical feet creaming ritual as soon as we get home. I don't like the callous on my heel, but worse yet, I feel like my feet will never be clean again from all this walking around barefoot.

G- You know I don't like that either. And you can call my feet creaming fanatical, but I'm the unlucky one getting my feet, ankles, & legs cut up by your nasty, scratchy feet. You're lucky that I have such soft feet.

P- You slightly exaggerate about my feet but whatever.  I think you're nuts.

G- Hmmmmm.

We were lead into a room with cushioned benches along 2 walls. In front of the benches were 3 very large fish tanks full of little fish. The lady directed us to sit wherever we wanted, so we sat near each other, but put our feet into different tanks so we could make the most of the munching. Phyl put her feet in first.

P- Hahahahahahahhahahaha! Oh my gawd! It tickles so much I'm not sure I can stand it for 15 minutes.

G- (I put my feet in and started cracking up!) It's almost taking my breath away. It's like being held down and tickled when you were a kid.

P- It feels like more of a vibration than a tickle.

G- Maybe you're right. I'm just breathing deeply. Hahahahahahahahah!!!!!

P- Hahahahahahahahah!!!!

This went on for what seemed like a long time, but was probably a minute or less, then the tickling sensation stopped and it just felt like a mild vibration. It was kind've freaky to watch the fish attached to your feet up to the water line and chomping away. Every now and then when one of the bigger ones would relocate, it would tickle, but we quickly got use to it. The lady was watching a show that looked like Asian Star Search for young kids and we sat watching & laughing with her while small fish chewed on our feet. It was quite the experience. Maybe because we were the only people in the place or because we were bonding over Asian Star Search, but she let us go for 25 minutes and charged us for the 15 minutes we had requested. When finished, it did seem like our heels were less calloused, or maybe it was just mind over matter. Whatever, we had another fun, unusual experience on our trek around the world!