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| Hong is on the left and Jang the right. |
In the early evening we went to Timmy's, which consisted of several chairs lined up in front of a closed down hotel, not quite sure exactly where the massages would take place. We already knew that unlike Swedish massages, we would not be taking off our clothes, and that there was a possibility, from seeing this take place all over the city, that we might be massaged on a mattress on the ground. Timmy greeted us excitedly and introduced us to Hong & Jang. She then led us into the closed down hotel, behind her chairs, where she had set up a platform, 3 mattresses wide, surrounded by a curtain on a wire. She pointed to the mattresses and instructed us to lye down.
G- (spoken to Phyl in a whisper) Hmmm, I wonder how it is that she has access to this place.
P- I don't know, but I'm kind've scared of it.
G- Yes, it does lack a little, how should we say it, atmosphere. Baby, it's all part of the experience and we're paying $5.00 instead of $100.00, so we'll just have to do without the soothing music and flowing water.
G- I wonder how many people have been massaged on this mattress since it was last washed. I can't imagine that these throw pillows have ever been washed. Blech! That's kind've freaking me out.
P- Me too. Try not to think about it.
Hong and Jang had a discussion, in Thai, and obviously decided that Hong would massage Phyl and Jang would massage me. We laid side by side, fully clothed, on our backs, so close that we could touch each other without extending our arms. They climbed up on our mattresses and began massaging our thighs. In no time, they had worked their way up to our groins and after a brief massage, were on their knees, leaning over us, applying pressure at the point where the leg meets the lower abdomen! Um, the thumbs were touching the exterior parts of my nether regions! WTF? Because their English was extremely limited, we could talk fairly freely.
G- Holy crap! It has been almost 20 years since anyone new has touched me there, and I'm accustomed to being kissed first.
P- (Trying not to laugh.) I know what you mean. I know we have a language barrier, but nothing was mentioned about us getting happy endings!
G- And this has just started, I can't imagine what will have happened by the time it's over!
P- It seems we'll definitely get our $5.00 worth! And more!!
G- I'm surprised that Connor failed to mention this. He said she knelt on his nuts, but he said nothing about her climbing on top of him, leaning on his groin, and touching his nuts with her thumbs.
P- Maybe this part is omitted when they're massaging a man.
G- And it just dawned on me that there is a guy masseuse out there. I wonder who he'll full body massage.
P- I don't care as long as it isn't me!
P- Ha, ha, very funny MoFo! (she smiled at Hong, then turned and raised an eyebrow at me). Hong bent over and laid her head on Phyl's belly and hugged her.
I had very little time to react to this woman lying on Phy lwhen Jang put my feet together and tried to make them touch my throat.
Jang - You ok?
G – Fine. (smiling) I do this all the time, especially when I'm watching TV. It's nothing. You can put them in my ears.
P- Hell, even if they shoved our feet up our asses, how could we tell them not to because they have no idea what we're saying.
G- Oh, if that happened, I think we could protest in a universal language!
Finally our legs were returned to the mattresses and they began to massage our calves and feet. Things settled down and we relaxed.
G- Look at all of the spider webs on the ceiling. You see that one just to the right of that big hole? It looks like an eagle head.
P- What a fun game. While there is a lull in the leg twisting, we can look for animals in the spider webs, like we use to do, as children, with clouds. Isn't this interesting?
G- It looks like the ceiling was full of can lights which were removed, because the holes are perfectly round and all the same size.
P- This was apparently the lobby.
Our legs were moved across our bodies and they leaned on our hips. This wasn't so bizarre; I did this in yoga. Of course, no one was leaning on my hip at the time. They then massaged our arms, shoulders and upper chests. Back to the feet, our toes were cracked, something I seriously hate, but in Thai massage, things happen so fast that there is no time to protest. Apparently one of my toes on my right foot escaped cracking, so Hong leaned over and cracked it for me. Thanks, Hong, you ho!
Phyl started laughing, but stopped when her toes were bent upward in an attempt to touch the tops of her feet. We then received hand motions to turn over.
G- Ugh! I wasn't looking forward to this part because I don't want to put my face on this pillow.
P- I know. Just try not to think about it. I'm sure they're about to twist something to take your mind off of it.
No sooner had the words escaped her lips, when our legs were folded, much like a baker does with dough when he is making a large pretzel, and tried to put our feet into our asses. They worked their way up our legs, squeezing, pressing and prodding, until they arrived at our largest muscles, the gluteus maximii. It is amazing, or maybe it isn't, but the ass muscles become extremely painful when one is climbing stairs, walking for miles, riding a motorcycle, or just sitting for days on end. Apparently the ass contains a plethora of pressure points, but rest assured, Hong & Jang found some that we never knew existed!! We whimpered a little, but refrained from full fledged crying. I completely forgot that I was grossed out by the pillow upon which my face was resting, and squeezed the sheet in my hands.
The massages ended with us sitting up for a head massage and some kind of pulling and snapping at our scalps. Don't forget the ear wiggling and lobe pulling. I can only think that this takes longer during the massages of the already long lobed, white buggers waiting for their happy endings. Just as quickly as it started, it was over. It was more of a marathon of slight fear than the ultra relaxation of the Swedish massage, but when we got up from the mattresses, we felt loose and limber and physically, if not mentally, relaxed. I guess the old adage “no pain, no gain” applies to Thai massage.
After our massages we hooked up with Kosta. He was not at all interested in getting a massage, especially after we regaled him with our experiences. It was later than dinner time, so Kosta had already eaten, but he accompanied us to a sushi restaurant that Ron had recommended. It was like a buffet in that we paid one price and ate as much as we wanted, but the odd thing was that we were being timed. We had an hour and 15 minutes to eat as much as we could. We're not really keen on buffets and prefer quality to quantity, but this place was recommended. We were going to go to the buffet that the Chinese & Australian boys visited, but it got mixed reviews; the Chinese boys loved & raved about it, but the Australian boys complained that it contained very weird foods. We decided that our tastes would more closely mirror the Australian boys, and decided against that buffet.
We were sat at a table with pots of boiling water and broth in the middle. To the right of the table, a conveyor belt carried various food choices on little plates. An hour and 15 minutes seems like a long time, but it was quite stressful to make selections as the little plates sped past. It was like The Melting Pot on crack.
P- What is on that plate?
G- I don't know what it is; some kind of meat. You want it?
P- No. There is no seasoning in this water. Everything I boil in it tastes boring. I don't like this. I'm just going to eat the sushi.
G- Boil your stuff in the chicken broth. My potstickers tasted good. You see that plate that's passing the chick in the pink sweater?
P- The one next to the pile of green stuff?
G- Yes. What do you think that is?
P- No idea, but grab it when it comes around.
G- I don't want to waste anything. I'm going to get more sushi, and that ice green tea is really good.
Kosta sat there looking mildly mortified and laughing at us. He was glad that he had eaten first. We all laughed at the speed eating concept. Kosta kept us amused telling us stories about his life in Belgium. He is quite hysterical. Also, he'd tell us Finnish expressions that would crack us up. For instance, his friends would tell him to 'set his ass on fire', which corresponded to the US version of 'get your head out of your ass' regarding his continued love for the bitch who dragged him to Thailand and then threw him out. Then there was something about sucking the top of the thumb and asking 'do you think I just came from an egg?' This seemingly corresponded to 'I wasn't born yesterday'. These new sayings, along with Kosta's wit, provided hours of entertainment.
After our hour and 15 minutes were up, we were presented with the bill and basically told to get out. Kosta walked us back to our guesthouse, chatted for a short time, then headed to his guesthouse. He still was not sleeping well; between the breakup with the bitch and monks' chanting & gonging at 5:00 AM (he was located even closer to them than we were), sleep was escaping him. We had solved our problems with the cat screwing, gonging, and pigeon noises, we were wearing ear plugs!
