Catch Back Is Hell

The thing that we're still trying to wrap our brains around is that we DO NOT have to jump up and go, go, go everyday. We're on an extended journey, not our usual trip that lasted only 8-10 days, and we are able to just “experience” a place, rather than just see the highlights. The process to menopause is kicking my ass ( Phyl is none to fond of it either) and I need several days of rest to deal with the emotional roller coaster and the other problems associated with this right of passage into the next phase of my life. If I was at home, leading my normal life where everything is the same everyday, it would not be as difficult, but going through peri menopause while also trying to navigate new countries, new languages, and the stresses associated with just eating dinner, is almost more than I can handle while mentally unstable.


We are still in our favorite pattern of sleeping to 9:00 am and drinking coffee for an hour before we embark on the day. Today we had planned to just “be” and to do nothing. We basically spent the day on the chaises in the breezeway except to go off and get food. After returning from dinner, we had resumed our positions in the breeze way when Kosta walked by and spotted us. He was a guy we had met in an alley (which served as a restaurant) on 12/30/11, and chatted with briefly. We knew he was from Antwerp, Belgium, but little else. When he saw us sitting in the breeze way, he stopped and said hello and we invited him to sit and chat.

Kosta told us his story and we learned that he had moved from Antwerp to Chiang Mai in September 2010, following a woman (Daphne) that he had known since childhood and reconnected with on Facebook. They had carried on a long distance romance and he had decided to move to Chian Mai to help her run her guesthouse. Unfortunately, Daphne turned out to be a nutjob and had kicked him out, for the second time, just before Christmas. Even worse, after we initially met him, on New Year's Eve, he was hit, while sitting at a red light, by a drunk tuk-tuk driver, and sustained a mild concussion and various cuts, scrapes and bruises.


We listened in disbelief as Kosta told us his sad tale. He was such a cutie, with beautiful green eyes that showed the sadness in his soul, that we felt protective of him immediately. He asked about our plans for the next few weeks, expressing his lonliness, because he could not go home to Belguim, until January 15, 2011. We told him that the next day we planned to rent a motorcycle from our guesthouse and drive up the mountain to see Doi Suthep. He asked if he could go with us; he had been before and could show us the way. We gladly agreed.

As the evening passed, I became more and more aggitated. After Kosta left, we began to discuss that this trip was not turning out exactly as we had anticipated. We had been in Asia for about 6 weeks and it was not as fabulous as we had expected. We had already experienced 3 countries, and felt as though they were all the same, or at the very least, not much different from one another. We had quit our jobs, given up our life, left our families, our son, and our friends, were spending our life savings, and it didn't feel like Asia was doing enough for us to warrant the sacrifice. We had enjoyed our experiences, but it didn't seem like enough for what we had given up to be here. Also, we were coming off of those bad experiences in Kuala Lumpur which were quite disconcerting.


We had planned to rent an apartment and stay in Chiang Mai for a month, but we now felt like that was not what we wanted to do. We couldn't decide what we wanted to do. I, in my crazy mental state, felt like a failure, Phyl just felt disappointed and that we were just missing something. After we had beaten the dead dog, we went upstairs to our room to shower. This guesthouse was great, and our room was nice, but we didn't love the bathroom in our room. It was very large, the length of the room, and although there was a wall and door separating the bathroom from the room, it was open at the ceiling. Because I'm cold by nature, I always felt cold while taking a shower. Also, the hot water would cut in and out during the shower. Finaly, the spray did not attach to the wall at a good angle and I found myself holding the nozzle, while I showered, which was awkward and difficult. Also, the drain was at the other side of the room from the shower, so after we showered, the entire bathroom floor was wet and anytime we had to go back into the bathroom to pee or brush our teeth, we had to get our feet wet. This is the Asian way, and very typical in bathrooms, but I was sick of having to walk on a wet floor just to pee. As a result, showering at the end of the day was not our favorite task.

Still cranky after the talk about our failing life adventure, the unAmerican shower, and because I am now a lunatic during the first 2 days of my peri menopausal woman scourge, Phyl and I started arguing.


We don't really argue all that often, but back in our real life, when we did have an argument, we would just go to separate rooms or whatever we had to do to get away from each other and cool off. Traveling together 24/7, sharing the same room, and never separating, was sometimes trying in the best of times, but was terrible when arguing.

 

P- Why are you so angry?


G- What? Why am I so angry? I can't believe you're asking me such a stupid question! You know why I'm angry.

P- I know you're crazy and menopausal, but I don't understand why you're so worked up.



G- Why I'm so worked up? This was our life's dream and we've failed at it. What are we gonna do now? Go back home and get the same old unfullfilling jobs and go back to our boring 9-5, live only for the weekend, lives?

P- We are not failures because this has not turned out the way we thought. I don't know why you feel that way. I don't feel like a failure.

G- Of course not! You know our brains work differently. You know I'm much more intense than you. 
And, you realize things much later than I do. When we're back home in our crappy lives, then you'll feel like I do now.

P- Baby, I know you're upset, but you need to calm down. Why are you crying?

G- I can't help it! I can't control my own fucking emotions!!

P- You want me to hug you?

G- No! Yes. No!


P- (Phyl comes and hugs me. I leave my arms at my side.) Do you want me to hug you or not? You are crazy!!!


G- I don't want you to hug me unless you want to!!!!! You know I'm crazy right now. You have lived through this already! Don't you remember? You put Connor and me through the tortures of the damned for years. Why can't you just remember how crazy you were during that time? Just leave me alone. That's the problem; I can't get away from you!!!!! We're trapped in this room.

P- You can't get away from me? I think it's the other way around. I'm the one trapped with you. You are a lunatic!

G- You know I'm like a crazy caged tiger when I get like this..............stop poking at me with your sharp stick, and stop aggitating me.

P- I'm just going to go to sleep.

G- Fine! So you're not talking to me anymore?

P- AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! No, anything I say will be wrong and only fuel your fire, so we will talk again tomorrow when hopefully you have slept off some of your craziness. Goodnight!


Phyl is lucky because she falls asleep the minute she becomes horizontal. I was awake until the wee hours of the morning, watching TV, crying, and listening to her snore. Before any of you feel too sorry for her, let it be known that I (and Connor) have already lived through Phyllis going through peri menopause, and we have the scars to prove it!!!! Catch back is hell!!!