Squatter's Rights

The room was toasty when we awoke the next morning.

P- How'd you sleep?

G- Like a rock. The bed was very comfortable and it was nice and warm in the room. You?

P- I was very comfortable too but I don't sleep so well with my stomach growling.

G- I'm glad you had the idea to put the bag along the door to keep out the cold air. I can't understand why all of the windows in the hallway are open.

P- Hello! It's cold outside.

G- Let's look at the guidebook and decide on our itinerary so we can buy our train tickets now. Then, let's go find a McDonald's.

P- Did you read the notice on the back of the door?

G- The one written in Chinese?  Um, no.

P- I hope it isn't giving us some important information.

G- It says that you should put your luggage along the bottom of the door if you'd like to prevent the artic blast from entering your room.  You already figured that out.

I tried to put together an itinerary while Phyl boiled water for the coffee packets.

P- This room is great but I can't believe the bathroom has a squat toilet. I'm a little uneasy about that.

G- It's not that difficult. You'll manage, Gladys.

P- I wish there was a bar on the wall, or something to hold on to, falling in the squat toilet would be very nasty.

G- You want me to stand in front of you and hold up my arm like a bar for you to hold onto?

P- No! This is a personal thing.

G- Good answer because I was only joking anyway. It's not a public toilet; it flushes, it's clean, and apparently it was made in America. Quit ya bitchin! You didn't think you were going to make it through Asia without crapping in a squat toilet, did you?

P- Yes. After all this time, I thought I could. There is nothing for me to hold on to. I hope I don't fall over.  Made in America?  I've never seen a squat toilet in America.

G- I'm sure you'll be fine.  Did you notice the name on the toilet?

P- No, I didn't inspect it that intently, and it hardly matters.

G- American Standard.  It's kind've funny that American Standard is making squat toilets for China.  You think they're made in America?  Bwahahahaha.

P- Stop talking to me! 

Constitutional and shower complete..............

P- That's a nice hot shower. You just have to be careful not to step into the squat toilet while you're showering. There's not much room to stand next to it.

G- Have you looked at this soft porn picture over the bed? What's up with that?

P- I hadn't paid much attention to it, but you're right, it is soft porn. Why is she a Western woman and not a Chinese woman?

G- Beats me, maybe Chinese men are only allowed to lear at Western women and not Chinese women.  It's not the 'art' I would have expected to find in a Chinese hotel room.

P- What have you decided about the itinerary? Should we head east to Shanghai or west to Guilin?

G- I'm thinking we should go west, then loop back around so we can use Hong Kong to get out of China in 30 days. Then we can head east to Shanghai, go up to Beijing, then take the train to Tibet and leave China through Nepal.

P- I still don't understand why we have a 2 month visa but we're only allowed to be in China for 30 days, then get out, then come back in. That is so stupid!

G- It makes no sense to me either but we have no choice. It just makes planning the itinerary so difficult. If we go east and up to Beijing first, then there is no close place to do a border run. I contemplated Mongolia, but it's really too far so we'd be stuck having to fly from Beijing to Hong Kong and I'm trying to avoid the expense of flying.

P- Yeah, I look at that last night and flying around in China is expensive.

G- I'm starving! Let's go buy train tickets to Guilin and find McDonald's.

It was cold and still raining as we walked the 2 blocks to the train station. With great trepidation we got in line at one of the 25 ticket windows. Throughout S.E. Asia we had become accustomed to, and spoiled by, the process of hotel clerks arranging our transport, but it seemed that luxury was a thing of the past.

P- Are you sure we're in the right line.

G- I'm sure of nothing because I cannot read a single word written in this station. I just selected this line because it felt right.

P- Have you noticed that everyone is staring at us?

G- Yes. It's quite disconcerting, but I think we'd just better get use to it.

P- Now we know how Branjolina feel.

G- But without their money or good looks. And someone else would arrange for their train tickets.

I was quite nervous when it was our turn at the window.

G- English?

Ticket clerk - No.

I began by holding my guide book against the window and pointing at Guilin, fortunately written in both English and Chinese. I pointed to 11:00 as I held my watch up to the window. I pointed to the word for tomorrow and pressed the book up to the window. This was taking forever. Then I held up 2 fingers and flipped the pages of my book until I found words associated with train travel. I pointed to 'soft seat' and held the book against the window. The clerk leaned forward in her seat attempting to see the words I pointed to, then shook her head no.

P- No, what? No there are no seats available for 11:00 or no, there are no soft seats?

G- Beats the hell out of me.

I pointed at the word for 'hard seat' and pressed the book against the window. She squinted and looked at the book again, then shook her head.

G- OMG! We're never going to buy a ticket at this rate.

P- What should we do?

The people behind us were getting restless as I flipped through the guidebook. Just then, the clerk leaned back and yelled to another clerk at the end of the line. The at clerk the end of the line came down to our window and told me to come to the last window.

Every eye followed us as we exited our line and walked, as instructed, down to the end window. We passed another westerner, who I had not previously noticed. As we passed.....

Westerner - Do you speak Chinese?

G- No, do you?

Westerner - No.

G- I'd suggest you follow us to the last line. It seems that clerk speaks some English.

Westerner - Great. Thanks.

We waited in line again. This clerk did speak some English and we were thrilled for the help, but there was much that was discussed that we didn't not understand. We ended up buying 'hard seat' tickets for the 11:00 AM train and were told to be at the station 1 hour before departure. We had been told to never buy 'hard seat' tickets, but since we presumably had no choice, whatever the reason, we just hoped for the best.

With that very stressful task completed, we walked to the street and hailed a plastic wrapped, tuk-tuk type vehicle. I handed the driver the paper where the girl at our hotel had written the name of a mall, containing a McDonald's, and held up a few fingers to negotiate the price. The female tuk-tuk driver behind him, who looked at us as though we were from outer space, said something and they laughed. Finally we agreed on a price and I climbed onto the seat behind the driver.

P- How in the hell am I supposed to fit my ass in there when your little ass barely made it?

G- I didn't realize it was so small. This must be what they were laughing about.

P- Well he's going to have to scoot forward so I can get in because I'm not rubbing my boobs on him while I try to squeeze my ass in.

Phyl waved her hand at the driver indicating that he should move forward. He moved as much as he could and we crammed into it, our backpacks on our laps. We were not very comfortable.

G- I feel like those chickens and pigs looked crammed into those baskets.

P- I know you are not comparing me to a pig.

G- Whatever! I'll be the pig and you be the chicken.

P- What I want to be is out of this sardine can.

G- Thank gawd there's plastic so we're not getting wet. But my feet feel wet. How can my feet get wet through leather boots.

P- Mine aren't wet.

G- I knew there was going to be a problem with my boots. That boot making woman totally lied to us! I knew our boots were made by 2 different people; yours apparently made by Gepetto and mine made by Pinocchio.

P- I sorry your boots suck baby. You'll just have to buy a new pair of shoes.

G- That pisses me off! I hate wasting that time and money.

P- I know but you can't walk around with wet feet because you don't want to spend more money on shoes.

G- Ugh! Good lord! Look at the size of this mall.

P - It's huge!! Where's the McDonald's?

G- Look! There's the sign. My mouth is salivating.

P- And my stomach is growling! I'm not sharing french fries this time. I want my own bag and I'm eating them all!!!

Aside from the fact that the words on the order board were in Chinese, everything looked very familiar. That, alone, was comforting. The clerk took one look at me and pulled out a laminated menu card with photos and English writing. I pointed to the Big Mac meal, held up 2 fingers and said 1 coke, 1 diet coke as I pointed to the pictures on the drink machine. Within minutes, and for under $6.00 I had a 2 Big Mac meals.

G- My stomach is doing flips! I'm so excited.

P- Quick, stop talking & pick a place to sit.

We sat in silence, but for the moaning, savoring every bite of that previously frozen, grade F meat and the artery clogging french fries. The iced, fountain coke was also a taste extravaganza for our deprived tongues.

P- It's insane how good this tastes!

G- I know. I'm enjoying this as much as a medium rare, petite filet at Ruth's Chris. It's depraved.

P- It's the best beef we've had in a long time, even though it's almost not real beef.

G- Perspective is everything!!